ruminations of a redhead

slowly killing me

2012-02-02T09:28:00.000-06:00

Some weeks are just worse than others. Self admittedly, I can be [a little] over dramatic, and I know that there are numerous people who roll their eyes at me when I start complaining and freaking out. This week, it's made me understand that sometimes I over-react. I'd take one of those weeks where I think things are really bad over this one ANY day.

Thursday Things

1. In the last 10 days, three people have died. I talked about one of them here. The other two were relatives. It's never fun or easy when someone passes away and I feel like grabbin on to my family with a stealth grip.

2. In the last week, two friends of mine have told me they are talking divorce with their spouse. I am far too young to have friends who are getting divorced. Breaks my heart and at the same time, makes want to scream and yell at people for being... people. I'm thinkin that it might be best to just stay single [not really. only kinda.]

3. In the last week, I've had a few experiences with some men in my life that have me ~~irritated~~ ~~hurting~~ concerned. At the risk of sounding like a jaded spinster, I have to say this: Men, you need to get your ~~shit~~ act together. If you have women in your life that trust you and depend on you, don't transition her vulnerability, her affection for you to impropriety. Do you know what that means? Don't make a floozy out of her by using her dependence on you to your own advantage. Honor her in the things that you say to her and the ways that you say them. Don't be a jerk, be a freakin' man. Some women live in a lie that they can't truly be themselves or that they can't reveal their true selves to men. In the rare instance that a woman is honest with you - treat her like it's OK for her to be honest. Don't treat her like that lie is true, misusing her trust in you by your barbaric ways.

4. The Texas lottery is $170 million this week. I think that I will play, win, quit my job, and disappear to someplace snowy and cold for a few days and then disappear to a sunny, coconutty island for a few days. So, now if I fall off the grid - you know where I am.

Misery, Maroon 5

i never liked this apple much

2012-01-26T22:34:00.000-06:00

[this edition of Thursday Things is brought to you by irritation and Malbec]

1. I am desperate for vacation. I'm not talking takin a Monday off and sleeping in. I'm talking escape. Today it hit me - I gotta get out of here. I hate it when that happens - means I've waited far too long and now its too late. I feel compelled to disappear for a few days - turn off my phone, turn off the computer and go somewhere no one else knows. [yes, I know that would be stupid and dangerous. don't yell at me please]

you wanna go?

2. I miss winter. badly. [ha! yes. yes, I just said that I wanted to go to the beach.]

3. I think that boys have a radar that tells them when the most inopportune time to reach out to a girl is. I believe a man innately knows when a girl is right on the cusp of being completely over it and then BAM. Sweet, consistent, flirtations. Gosh.

4. You know what I hate? One word, or one letter text messages. [have I told you about this before?] I hate them. "K" is not an acceptable text message.

5. You know what else I hate? The question "what's on your mind?". I hate that question. How does one even answer that question? It seems like no matter how I answer, it's going to be disappointing. Truth is, there is always [always] a million things on my mind, but you probably didn't ask me that question so you could hear about how I should rearrange my closet [ROYGBIV, of course], or that I am wishing my phone would ping with a text message from someone who is not in present company, or that the picture on the wall behind you needs to be straightened. It's such an awful question.

6. My favorite JM these days, City Love.

oh yes son, I'm talkin to you

2012-01-25T14:39:00.001-06:00

You probably know by now that I am an avid blog reader. My favorites tend to fall in the interior design realm, but I do have a handful of favorites that are a bit innocuous, albeit extremely hysterical. One of which being the highly amusing [and also really really really helpful], A Woman's Guide To Women: A Blog for Men.

While I am a faithful reader of the blog, it's not normal for me to comment. Sharideth is quick to respond to comments and there seems to be a strong camaraderie among the comment-ers, but I am generally not one of them.
[however.]
This week, a post had me literally cheering from my chair, that I had to comment. So I did and therefore, was notified of any other comments posted after mine.

This is where the highly entertaining and irritating story begins.

Now. To be fair, on this particular day, I was feeling extremely feisty and sassy and like men everywhere were the scum of the earth [what? you do it too]. So, I was a little on edge, and any teensy bit of a filter that I normally have, had gone right out the window.

I mighthavemaybereally insulted someone who commented after me. [i know! i am a cyber bully!]

But I immediately felt really badly and started thinking about how I couldn't live with myself if this guy ended up on the news for erratically blowing up a building because someone had cyber bullied him. So I followed up my insult with a public apology [after all, i don't even know this person.] and an explanation on where I was coming from. I suppose the mistake I made was that I assumed my input was valuable because I'm female. [monster mistake]

Ok. But here's the deal: this guy was RI.DIC.U.LOUS. Let me explain:

1. He had the balls to give an argument on each of the 4 points that had been made in the original post. That's annoying for sure, but kind of understandable - it's going to happen when you put yourself out there on the interwebs. But let's talk about the fact that the content of the post was all about being a KICK ASS MAN, and this guy takes each of the 4 points and explains why he's still a winner even though he disagrees with each point. hello. you are the reason this blog exists. and you've missed the point entirely.

2. I couldn't help myself. Before I looked at his profile [omg] I asked a very simple question in response to his comment: you're single, aren't you?
I mean, it was so blatantly obvious [remember the part about the blog being for men like you? yeah. don't argue]. I was trying to point out [not that it's my job to do so, but like i said, it was not my best day] that the very things he was arguing about are the things that make men everything less than super sexy.

3. Like I said, I immediately felt really bad, so I quickly followed up with an apology and explanation. BUT [dun dun dun!] before I did - I took a peek at his picture and profile. Ladies - this is everything that is wrong with internet dating.

Kinky feminist man, and general gender liberation activist. Also interested in sex-positive issues

[wth is a general gender liberation activist???] That is his profile tagline!!! [as soon as I saw that, i felt immediately justified. immediately.] Let's also mention what was on his t-shirt in this o-so-perfect profile picture. Are you ready for this??

CHEESE.

4. OK, so of course - cheese man responds with a retort that would have been offensive to me [yes, it did include: "Everything you’ve just said simply makes you sound like a woman I wouldn’t want to date"] if it were coming from a more reasonable source. [i wish so badly that I could show you guys his picture, cuz it would just seal the deal... but I'm honestly not that mean]

The whole thing has me so amused, I don't even know what to do with myself. Truth is, this guy has made me appreciate the guys I hang around - I complain about them a lot, certainly more than they deserve. If this guy is what men out there are contending with - man, ya'll have an easy road ahead of you.

Go get 'em.

NEWS BREAK: after writing this post, I checked out this guy's blog. ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?? He blogged about me! [yes, his blog IS called "A Femanist View" and yes, the tagline IS "A blog about kink, dating, music, politics, science fiction, gender and more"] He accuses me of assuming he'd be interested in me and defines me as someone with a "kinkphobic attitude" [what is that?]. I'd like to also state for the record, that in this one blog post, such super sexy, kick ass man topics are included such as: Shelia Davis' rules of good lyric writing, Fame Academy & X Factor auditions, his fictitious work "Cyborg Sleeps", and, BDSM [of course!].

No Scrubs, TLC

don't go without me

2012-01-23T12:48:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, the man who was my childhood pastor passed away. While I was never particularly close to him, and it has been years since I've even encountered him, there's something weird happening in me today, in light of his going to be with Jesus.

It's been over a decade since I've aligned myself under that man's leadership, but as a child, he was a hero to me. Throughout my entire childhood, he was my family's shepherd. He dedicated me & my brother in the church, he baptized my older sisters and me, & he ordained my Dad. When it comes to spiritual milestones in my family's life - this man had a significant role.

I have a vivid memory of, as a 6 year old, sitting in the small trailer that served as his office and telling him that I made the decision to be a Christian. I still have the tiny white New Testament that he gave me on that day. I remember working hard to memorize bible verses and running up to him on Sunday mornings, reciting my verse, and delightfully accepting a shiny nickel he'd pull from his pocket [that man had to have a mad stash of nickels to give kids like me].

In the past twelve hours, my facebook news feed has exploded with people sharing similar memories, posting pictures, and recalling his words of wisdom as he married, baptized, discipled, and gave to countless family's who have parallel lives with mine.

I'm thinking about his influence. And mine.

influence: the capacity of a person to be a compelling force on, or to produce effects on actions, behaviors, and opinions of others.

What sort of memories am I leaving with the ones I share life with? Am I even doing that at all? Are they uplifting, encouraging, and positive; or are they hurtful?

I am the first to brag on my friends and family. Mine are better than anyone else's. I have had the honor of having incredible people in my life. They give so much to me. Today, I just can't shake the thoughts about all that they give me, and in essence, leave to me - in simply living life with me now, or having done so at some point. There is not enough paper in the world for me to pen the ways my people have compelled my actions, behaviors, and opinions.

Today, there is nothing that feels compelling about me. Nothing that feels influential. Everything feels haphazard and imperfect and mediocre [especially in light of all the kick A people I am surrounded by]. What is it about that living life thing translates into influence? What is it in me that makes a sibling comfortable confiding in me, or puts me on the mind of man who is across the country? Is that my influence? Do I want it to be?

I'm feeling overwhelmed with the good that is and has been my life. It's making me cry a little today. And I'm equally overwhelmed with all that I do wrong and half way and poorly. I wanna grab up the ones I love and squeeze them til we all burst in fluffy joy. At the same time, I'm feeling the emptiness of the voids in my life and anxious to fabricate filling; kinda achy to have perfection in my living. [i am a silly girl.] I want to say all the things that I usually don't have the courage to. I want to do all the things that I usually don't have the courage to do. I'm feeling a great sense of urgency to figure out the best version of myself and knock socks off, being her.

And I simultaneously want to smack myself for being such a feely mess today.

C'est la Mort, The Civil Wars

who's that chick that's rockin' kicks?

2012-01-19T13:05:00.000-06:00

Thursday Things
1. I am a fan of a fabulously executed boots & skirt/dress ensemble. Boots and shorts? Not OK. [especially if you are under the age of 18 or over the age of 20].

No ma'am

2. I'm in a music rut. I need something I can really jam to. Embarrassingly, this is the only thing that my ears perked up to today. [sad. but true.]

3. I'm thinking [again] about getting a tattoo. Yes? No? Maybe?

Theology and Music

2012-01-12T20:59:00.000-06:00

[disclaimer: I in noway, shape, or form intend to offend any with the music references that are thrown in this sort-of-spiritual post. I’m not trying to be callous or blasé,just entertaining myself.]

I like U2.

I don’t looovethem, but I like them. As a music lover, I’d be crazy not to have a lot ofrespect for the band. On top of that, I have always liked Bono. Despite beingthe world renowned front man, he seems to be a good guy, he does a lot of goodthings, he seems to have a good understanding of the human condition, and hesays a lot of smart things – I dig that.

Bono is one of those people that in Christian circles, issort of quietly adopted. Some Christians would agree with me that Bono is a good manwho does a lot of good things, but they might believe that a rock star such as he could notbe a Christian himself because Christians just aren’t rock stars. Others happily welcome Bono into the Familyof God and utilize him as an excuse for saying curse words and spending a lotof money on sunglasses [I’m notcondemning, just sayin’].

Me?

I don’t know how you can listen to this and believe thatBono doesn’t get it.

I read an article earlier this week that was a splicedinterview with Bono. If I didn’t haverespect and admiration for the man prior to reading this article, I certainlydo now. With great insight, he explainsthe gospel – and the transforming Truth that Christianity is founded on [and unfortunately, poorly exhibiting thesedays]. The article had so many wonderful quotes from Bono, I was tempted toblow up my twitter feed with them [darn140 characters]. Overall, there were a few key points that I will never,ever forget [and I fully intend to stealthese points and incorporate them into my own poorly stated credo. The Theologyof Bono, right?].

You Get What You Give

Bono points out that the belief in karma exists in prettymuch every major world religion. To the same extent, Christianity holds thebelief that what you receive in your life is directly tied to what you put into it [you reap what you sow].

Picture of Jesus

“There’s nothing hippie about my picture of Christ.” [I love that.] Whether the Old or NewTestament, God reveals Himself as the Almighty, and there is nothing passiveabout that. It’s in His ferocious nature (whether through demonstrations (Godin OT) or in love (Jesus in NT)) that He pursues us. As Bono simply pointedout, it’s there that we see the juxtaposition of the Cross.

Give Me the Simple Life

The simplicity of Scripture – of God Himself – is made knownto us through Jesus. There wasn’t anything complicated or convoluted aboutJesus. He did [does] what he said hewould, he meant [means] what he said,and he didn’t [doesn’t] play mindgames. And that example is for us, the basis of how we live. We study God >we see that He is love > we are transformed by that love > we act in thatlove. [duh.]

Grace Flows Down

This is the part that rocked me. When looking at the world’sview of karma, and therefore, ultimately, the world’s view of forgiveness –Jesus was the most rogue of rogue-ers. And, the loving grace that is giventhrough the Cross is so transcendent & powerful that reaping what I sowdoesn’t even stand a chance! Here’s what I mean: [Bono said it best] “Grace defies reason and logic. Love interrupts,if you like, the consequences of your actions… I’d be in big trouble if karmawas going to finally be my judge... it doesn’t excuse my mistakes, but I’mholding out for Grace. I’m holding out that Jesus took my sins onto the Cross,because I know who I am, I hope I don’t have to depend on my own religiosity.”

The Church

Having grown up in the church, and mostly big, southernchurches, I really appreciated Bono’s insight on Pharisee-like living –following all the right rules without heart transformation. He credits thatmentality to a lack of God in the church: “A list of instruction where therewas once conviction; dogma where once people just did it; a congregation led bya man where once they were led by the Holy Spirit. Discipline replacingdiscipleship.” Sounds familiar to ya, huh? What I appreciated most about Bono’sperspective is that he maintains respect for the Church by pointing out, again,the simplicity of her beauty. “…theolder I get, the more comfort I find there. The physical experience of being ina crowd of largely humble people, heads bowed, murmuring prayers, stories toldin stained glass windows…”

I’m not entirely sure why this article struck such a chordin me. Maybe because such theological depth was surprising from Bono [I know, I know. that was not a fairassumption. lesson learned]. Maybe it’s because this world has convinced methat it’s nearly impossible to be a musician of depth as well as a person ofdepth. Regardless, I haven’t been able to shake the feelings of pure impression.And while none of the points above are new facets of my beliefs, it’s nice toknow that someone way more cool and far more articulate than I, holds the sameto be true.

Rock on, friends.

Canoodling New Year

2012-01-03T16:29:00.001-06:00

A few nights ago, some of my closest friends and I had a ridiculous conversation [yes. i started it.] You can only have these conversations with closest kinds of friends because they already love you and can't get away even if they want to. Maybe it was the delirium that accompanies holiday breaks. Maybe it is just that we're girls. Regardless, we had the conversation.

Top 5 Celebrities you would canoodle with: Go.

[yes. that's how a lot of our conversations transpire. a topic followed by a command to "go". it's not always successful communication. imagine that.]

For some reason I had no problem coming up with my Top 5. [that was after, of course, we actually defined what we meant by "canoodle".] My friends on the other hand, I don't think even finished their lists - as if they'd never even thought about it. [as if.]

Since I'm feeling particularly gratuitous today, I thought that I'd share my list with you. Everyone likes pretty faces.

~~Noah Calhoun~~ Ryan Gosling

That darn Nicholas Sparks ruined this guy for women everywhere. And then some genius in Hollywood made him a womanizing jerk with an Old Fashioned in his hand and I was sunk. [i have a thing for jerks.] But really, he's nice to look at.

Jimmy Fallon

I have no reasonable explanation for this one. He's funny. I like funny.

Channing Tatum

Ok. Ok. Ok. He's not the best actor and Nicholas Sparks has his claws in this guy too, but gosh - he's got those great lips. And he looks a lot like someone I used to know.

~~Tim Riggins~~ Taylor Kitsch

As one of my new favorite bloggers so wonderfully said this week: "I'm really into this theme of getting Tim Riggins on the big screen. Kudos, America." Come on, along with every other female in the free world, I just like this guy. I like football-playing-looking guys. And he has those great lips, too. He is Canadian though, and that most likely would never work for this Texas girl. [good thing we're just talking pretty faces and not real life, right? right.]

And at the #1 celebrity that I would canoodle with is....

Chris Pine

What a dreamboat. [oi! those lips.]

I rattled off these names rather quickly and it wasn't until after I looked up all these pictures that I've learned a few things about myself:

1. Apparently I like a guy with scruff.

2. I also apparently like a guy with out of control eyebrows.

3. I also seem to like a guy with one squinty eye. [it is kind of cute]

4. I have thought entirely too much about unrealistic things.

Alas, a girl can dream.

turn on the lights

2011-11-30T21:57:00.001-06:00

There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to

That presses harsh hope against time

In the absence of martyrs there's a presence of thieves

Who only want to rob you blind

They steal away any sense of peace

Tho' I'm a king I'm a king on my knees

And I know they are wrong when they say i am strong

As the darkness covers me

So turn on the lights and reveal all the glory, i am not afraid.

To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness, i have a kingdom to gain.

Where there is peace and love in the light, in the light, i am not afraid

To let your light shine bright in my life, in my life

There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul

Than I thought I had given away

They linger in closets and under my bed and in pictures less proudly displayed

A great fool in my life i have been, have squandered 'til pallid and thin

Hung my head in shame and refuse to take blame for the darkness i know i let win

So turn on the lights and reveal all the glory, i am not afraid.

To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness, i have a kingdom to gain.

Where there is peace and love in the light, in the light, i am not afraid

To let your light shine bright in my life, in my life

Can you hear me? Can you hear me?

Well, I've never been much for the bearing of soul in the presence of any man

I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure, in the arms of a sinner I am

Could it be that my worth should depend by the crimson stained grace on a hand

And like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in your will to reveal all of You that I can

So turn on the lights and reveal all the glory, i am not afraid.

To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness, i have a kingdom to gain.

Where there is peace and love in the light, in the light, i am not afraid

To let your light shine bright in my life, in my life

There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to

That presses harsh hope against time

Martyrs and Thieves, Jennifer Knapp

overflowing

2011-11-24T21:48:00.001-06:00

I am thankful for...

...the best friends a girl could ask for. Near or far, you know who you are. They are a gift.
...parents who today celebrated 33 years of marriage. They still hold hands and I am so thankful they like each other more today than they did 33 years ago. Their love for each other, and for their children is a gift.
...cups of coffee with my family. We haven't always had pleasant moments over coffee, but I cherish them. They are a gift.
...a church family that stretches me, challenges me, builds me up, tears me down when I need it, and gives me ample opportunity to serve. The Commons Church is a gift.
...two older sisters who have taught me more about living life than they will ever know. I am thankful that we laugh far more than we fight. Our friendship is a gift.
...three younger sisters I can practice all those life lessons on. :) Their trust in me, and the fun we have together is a gift.
...music. I love that God put music in my heart and gave me a voice to sing. Sometimes, there is no other way to express myself, feel my way through something, celebrate, or grieve. Music & singing - it is gift.
...health. I know so many who suffer on a daily basis, and today, I am well and pain-free. I never want to take for granted that I am in good health. Every single day is a gift.
...a pastor who is more than just my pastor, he and his family are my friends. They shepherd me well because they know me and love me and are investing in me. Our friendship, and their leadership in my life is a gift.
...the future. I don't know what the future looks like, but I have great hope and expectations for big things.

"...great gifts mean great responsibilities; greater gifts, greater responsibilities." Luke 12:48, The Message

come out of your cave

2011-11-10T19:27:00.001-06:00

Grief: keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharpsorrow; painful regret.

In the last couple of weeks I've had a lot of that. Grief. Keen mental, emotional suffering or distress over loss and painful regret [I don't think that I really believe in regret, but that's a whole other blog post.]

I've been extremely apathetic in one regard, and while that's super annoying it's allowed me to stay numb to a certain degree. [Huh. It has just occurred to me how odd it is that I would use words like "distress" and "painful" with something like "numb" in regards to the same situation. But that's all true. Weird.] Just as there began to be enough happening and visiting my daily life to distract me from that annoying numbness, the breath was knocked out of me by an almost 2 year old would. I didn't even know that it still hurt so badly. [yipes] Quick, somebody stitch that up.

Grief means something else to me now. As I was haphazardly talking through things with a dear friend, she reminded me that if anything was simple in all of this, it's the simple fact that I am dealing with a loss. In talking with her, I realized that I have lost greatly. I believe that the greatest losses come from the greatest loves - the things that require so much of you, and are so rewarding; full of delight and struggle and victory. Death is a terrible, awful thing. Losing someone is unimaginable. It's awful when a person dies & you have to live life without them.

It's worse when a person chooses to live their life without you.

I am a fighter. I am a strong, stubborn & prideful woman and in a delightfully difficult combination, I am crazy loyal. When I'm in - I'm in, whether you like it or not. I did once, and will never let anyone treat me like it's a crime to be that loyal ever again.

I will never, ever, ever give up. I will never want anything other than reconciliation and restoration. Regardless of what is said about any one's character, that's my goal. Always, always, always will be.

I don't understand things; I don't know that I ever will. The silence drives me absolutely insane and it's the thing that in my most emotionally weak moments, causes my red hot anger to burn and drive me to that strong, loyal fight. I think a lot of it is stupid [right now. right now I think a lot of it is stupid, but I'll probably feel differently tomorrow]. I'll never understand how adults who hold the same Hope and the same Truth can exist in deathly silence.

Maybe it's just the toll that time has taken. Maybe it's the red wine. I refuse to let this paralyze me. It's already stopped me dead in my tracks for six days; I'm not just going to melt and stay in a puddle anymore.

I'm not a quiet girl. I never have been a quiet girl and I don't intend to start being one [I tried that once. For a boy. It didn't work out]. If my screaming and yelling and fighting bothers you, fine. Be bothered. I'm not sorry.

I am sad. I am absolutely heart broken. I'm grieving a loss that has been hiding out for almost two years. But I'm not giving up. I will not quit fighting for the thing that has required so much of me and was so rewarding and delightful and hard and victorious.

And I'm not apologizing for that either.

The Cave, Mumford and Sons

so I sit

2011-11-02T13:36:00.002-05:00

I'm sad.

Things have been a little topsy turvy in my world the past week and try as I might, I'm sad about it. Accompanying [or possibly even preceding] topsy turvyness has been a severe sense of disconnectedness. As they sometimes get, things feel really fragile, delicate, and insecure. Normally, my nature in times like these is rarely to respond indifferently. Instead, I respond in a very well crafted, freak out and scream kind of way. It's usually dramatic, overwhelming and with a perfectly obnoxious amount of over reaction.

Not this go 'round.

For a reason I haven't yet been able to pinpoint, I'm just sad about things. Downright blue. I'm not making a lot of noise or doing anything at all - I just shrug my shoulders and nod my head and think "eh." This kind of apathy is really abnormal for me.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, and so I believe that there is purpose in this season and in this apathy. [it's OK if you think I'm crazy right now.] But I sort of feel resigned to "this is just how things are". Numb, I believe, is the word I'm looking for. Perhaps part of my apathy has to do with the fact that I honestly do not know how to move forward. I have no idea what the next step is. So, I guess I just sit tight [I started to say "buckle up and sit tight", but honestly, there is no buckling necessary here].

I have been reminded of a few things, though. For starters: I am so.much.more than what I do. Actions are important, I believe that, but they aren't everything. And I've got a lot more going on than just what I do. Also, since I am so much more than what I do, and my life stretches far beyond my 9-5, it's been monumentally humbling to see that I have been putting a lot of weight in those things that I am so much more than. I think that part of the reason the past few weeks have been so devastating to my tender-hearted spirit is that my delight, my hope, my anchors have been planted in something really - dumb.

It's dumb to put your hope in people. They are people and people are stupid. They will disappoint, fail, and leave. It will happen. But I do it every time. Every time I sink my claws into something wonderful and good and lovely and when stupid happens, it's a devastating blow. So, I'm being reminded that my hope is not in people or things. My hope is not in my job, my boss, my church, my friends or family. My anchor is not to be settled in those things because at any moment they will change and things get fragile, delicate, and insecure all over again.

Things just don't feel right in my world. I think I know how they got off track, but I'm not sure how they get back on. [as I finished typing that sentence, I literally shrugged my shoulders and thought "eh, nothing I can do about it." See what I mean?!] Maybe there is nothing that I can do. Maybe I keep working on anchoring myself and putting my hope in Lasting Things. At some point, I think my heart will catch up with my mind.

Waiting Room, Shane and Shane

Thursday Things

2011-10-06T16:38:00.003-05:00

I have moved from being just whelmed to officially being overwhelmed. Who told me it was a good idea to take on another person's job? [Oh wait, I did that.]

My church has been going through Abraham's story in Genesis. My weekly community group has been tearing it to applicable shreds. It's wrecking me.

I like my iPhone and I'm very grateful for iTunes, but does it make me a terrible person if I think that Steve Jobs was just a man?

When I moved into my new apartment two weeks ago, I brought with me a brand new bed, with brand new Pottery Barn bedding. It is my new very favorite place on earth.

In light of this week's earlier blog post, I've been giving Pandora another try. Yesterday, it was an epic.fail. [Santana does not belong with the All American Rejects.] Today, thumbs up all around! [literally, every song has gotten a thumbs up.]

I have really really really awesome plans on November 19th. What are you doing? You can come with me! [don't want to come? You can still help make it a wonderful day... go here.]

let the good times roll

2011-10-04T21:37:00.003-05:00

Several months ago I came across a blog post, shared via twitter by one of my very favorite independent artists. He seems to be a smart guy, so most of the time I follow where he leads, and I was absolutely fascinated by this post on Release Day Economics [please don't stop reading just because I used the word economics.]

For some of you, this probably doesn't mean anything. You're consumers, and you will keep doing what you do... consume. And you'll consume in the easiest, cheapest way possible.

Well, I am a consumer too. But I am also a lover of the art of music. Most of the time, I will choose to buy the actual album, rather than the digital version - I like having the art of the record in my hands. [weird, I know.]

I want this someday.

So, when I read this blog, I found myself forming very firm, very strong opinions about how I would purchase music and how I would choose to listen to it. [This post was written from an independent band from the UK, and since most of the music I consume comes from artists that aren't signed to major record labels, I'm operating on independent music standards in my opinions going forward in this post.]

Let's recap:
While the post I read is written in Euro's, the percentages are the same in US Dollars. A consumer can purchase music in digital copy through venues like iTunes, AmazonMP3, NoiseTrade, or eMusic. A consumer can stream music through venues like Pandora, Grooveshark, or Spotify. And a consumer can purchase physical versions of albums [whether that be CD or vinyl] straight from the artists webpage, a merch table at an actual concert, or possibly websites like CD Baby or Bandcamp.
Digital purchases generally hold to a 70/30 split - so if a consumer purchases a whole album for $10 on iTunes or AmazonMP3, the artist will get $7.00 of the purchase.
Websites that allow you to stream music are a bit different - each site is different, and for most of them [this includes satellite radio], an artist has to be registered with a non-profit performance rights organization called Sound Exchange before they can get royalties from plays. [if you're at all interested in any of this, take a few minutes to read through the Sound Exchange Wikipedia... it's very interesting.] Pandora & Spotify pay artists more than Grooveshark, and the only label that Grooveshark has a legal agreement with is EMI. Pandora has a license for all the music on it's site - Grooveshark does not. Additionally, Grooveshark may have a licensing agreement with EMI & one independant label, they do not pay the songwriters royalties.
Each time you listen to a song on Spotify, an artist receives .0002 cents. That's right, not even a whole penny. A year ago, Lady Gaga had netted the largest pay from Spotify and it was a whopping $167 for over 1 million plays.

For a physical album - the costs to make the record are relatively inexpensive [not necessarily recording - studio time is by far the most expensive element - but the production of the physical product.] The actual CD will cost around a dollar and a half while the booklet will cost about .50 cents and the packaging almost $2. That's roughly $4 for the whole ordeal. If an independent band spends $4 to make the album and sells it for $10, they make a rough profit of $6. However, a lot of the time if a consumer is purchasing the album from a website, the artist is most likely using PayPal. PayPal will keep about 19% of the purchase, leaving the artist with a profit of about $4.10.

SO....

I feel really icky about using Grooveshark [and I really love Grooveshark. It's so easy.] And now that I feel all in the know about it all, it seems morally irresponsible to continue using it. I'm also not impressed with Spotify's numbers - and man, everyone is talking about Spotify. Honestly, you get people to PAY for Spotify and the artists still only get LESS THAN A PENNY each time a song is played??

What do you think? How do you listen to music? How do you purchase it?

*some interesting contributors to my thoughts:
This NPR post on how much a major label spends on making a hit song
Bandcamp allows artists to let consumers choose how much they pay for the album. And they don't charge the artists anything for having a page on their site.

Let the Good Times Roll, Ben Rector

its been a long night

2011-09-11T22:02:00.000-05:00

Everyone feels differently about this day.

Every single one of us remembers exactly where we were, what we were doing, and the things that went through our mind on this day, ten years ago. We probably remember it more often than on this anniversary day, once a year.

I know I do.

And for a few seconds, the chill runs up my arms, my heart stops for half a second, and I am overwhelmed with the need to hear my parent's voices. I may not have been in NYC that day, but I am an American, and I know what it feels like to be attacked - just like every single one of you other 286 million people do.

We all lost that day.

I have thought several times this week about the victims and their families - and I keep going back to what it must have been like for the first responders. I think more than feeling overwhelmed by the weight of grief for all that was lost - stolen - on that day, I feel overwhelmed by the bravery exhibited [and continually so] by the men and women who have chosen to go into the wreckage.

Earlier this week, I was listening to a morning radio program and they were very candidly talking 9/11. The host, a very big supporter of local Police and Fire Departments, said: "At the risk of sounding very... crass: the victim's were already there. They were already there. The first responders CHOSE to go into those masses." That has been ringing in my ears all day.
I don't think that I could ever be capable of that kind of bravery.

Obviously, I don't ever intend to make light of someone elses loss. I do think that this day - and every other in the year - is more difficult for those who lost a loved one in those attacks, than it is for me. I have pain and grief in my own way, but it is not pain in grief in the void of someone elses life. But I am still an American, and that means that I am a part of the "family" that was attacked on that awful, awful day. I took it personally.

That is not unfair, it's not rude or insensitive - it's just how I feel about September 11. And most likely, you feel differently about this day than I do.

I realize that some of my feelings on this day could upset or annoy or even offend some people. I am not out to do any of that, but I'm still allowed to feel what I do. I don't want to let it affect my actions towards any one person, and I want to be careful about how I say these things - afterall, you all have feelings and emotions about this day too. I have just been bothered today - as so many people are reflecting - that it seems like American's have divided themselves into two categories: the ones who were actually affected by September 11, and then those of us who watched you be affected by it.

That's just not true. I may not have been in that city. I may not have directly lost someone that I love because of those awful choices. And while I am sure there are plenty of Americans who have sat back, feeling safe and fortuante and comfortably untouched by those tragedies - I am not one of them.

That is how I feel.
You probably disagree.
And that's OK.

Who Says, John Mayer

though you're in the dark here

2011-09-06T21:32:00.000-05:00

I'm in a situation right now where I have no.idea. how it will turn out. It would be a lie for me to say that I'm not a little bit worried about it.

[ok. ok. I'm freaking out.]

I've never done well with things that are unpredictable or unplanned. I am a planner. I like things to be in order. And I'm in a spot right now where that is just not an option. I have to be unorganized and last minute. There is so much unknown in this situation that I feel the need to introduce myself to it. And at the expense of someone I love, I am having to just do what I know to do for myself, as a grown up [so.not.cool.].

All day long I've been reeling on this ridiculously female roller coaster of peace one minute and freak out the next. For someone with such a whack personality as myself, it takes a lot of brain power, and even more prayer power to survive things like this. I have to really concentrate and decide in my head what I think about something before I let my heart do all the deciding for me. [it's just wrong sometimes.]

This evening I sat down to do some work from home, and after a couple hours, started the uphill click of a freak out. Immediately something came to my mind, and I was sure it was a song that I couldn't place. My brain kept telling my heart: "He watches over your...." and that's about as far as my brian got [you know me. my heart is a smarty pants]. So, I did what anyone would have done in that instance.

I googled.

I laughed when google told me what I was remembering. Last week, a new friend encouraged me by reminding me of this Psalm. I took her advice and read it the next morning, and that my friends, is what was rolling around in my noggin.

"I lift my eyes up to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved;
he who watches you will not slumber.
The Lord is your keeper!
the Lord is your shade at your right hand!
The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore."
Psalm 121

There is absolutely no reason why that should have been in my head tonight. And mybe that's my problem - I keep looking for clear, logical reasons, and sometimes - well, that is just not how things work. That brought me to a free fall coast to peace that couldn't have come from anywhere else.

[lock the brakes. I wanna stay there.]

Acres of Hope, Shane and Shane

sometimes it hurts instead

2011-08-27T22:53:00.001-05:00

I would have never guessed that stepping out on that ledge would end up being so disappointing. Not because the Lord failed to show up – quite the contrary, actually. But because I had to learn the hard way that my hope was not in Him. I had put my hope in the very thing that had scared the crap out of me and because it wasn’t Jesus, it disappointed me.

I found those words written in my journal from over a year and a half ago. They later found their way to a blog post I had written on what I was studying at the time.

Funny - I found myself right back on a very familiar ledge this week.

There are certain lies that exist that convince me that I am at a disadvantage. That, for whatever reason, who I am, what I am, where I am - it's all fighting against what I want and hope for myself. Those enemies are keeping me on the ledge and preventing me from finding blissful abode, deep in the valleys and far from ledges. I become fixated on feeling like nothing is good and everything is bad. And unless A,B, and C get their act together, it will just always be that way and I just don't get to be someone that hopes those things for myself.

That gets pretty miserable.

If I believe that I am at a disadvantage - because I'm single, because I'm female, because I'm young(ish) - then I have to believe that I have already fulfilled my potential. This is the best that my life will ever be. [I have a great life, but come on.] And I'm just not buying that.

So how do I get from fixated on all of the awful, believing that I am at a disadvantage - to just not buying it? [I have no idea.]
My focus is in the wrong place. My affections are for the wrong things. My hopes are in the wrong things. My potential is tied up in things that have yet to come. And all of that will always, always, always disappoint me. And you know what happens when I am disappointed like that?

I flip out.

Things will get shaky [literally]. I won't have answers. I will feel loss. Things will be scary. They will get uncomfortable. But the whole reason that those words I remembered earlier hold such weight is because they helped me to learn this lesson once already. [I really annoy myself sometimes.]
Every thing's not lost. Every thing's not broken. There is beauty and life and hope and peace abundant. And joy that is just mine. It's a matter of where I'm looking for it. I have to turn off the TV, stop reading, stop listening to people who shouldn't be speaking.

I have been putting stock in failing markets. And in weeks like this one, where it seems as though the bottom falls out, I go through a painful and somewhat humiliating [humiliate: to cause a person a painful loss of pride] fall into a stressy pit of panic and fear [reference aforementioned "flip out"]. With maturity [and an insane amount of grace], it is less than it once was. However, sometimes the lies just get so loud and my "stock" has become so important to me that the fallout is bad. [it's not good when I don't have much to say.] For goodness sakes - more than once in the past five days I had to send out desperate flares for help.

Maybe if I keep talking about it [or rather, writing about it] it will get easier and I won't have to learn this lesson anymore. The fall out is seriously exhausting. I'm not asking for trial-free living. I'm not asking for a free ticket. I'm trying for confidence and faith and wisdom. I don't want to forget anymore where my hope should be and what my focus should be on. And then, when things get shaky, plans change, and the house is still dark and empty - my stock will be solid securities and there will not be a fall out at all.

Someone Like You, The Very Amazing Adele

a route you'd never take

2011-08-24T21:01:00.000-05:00

I've started and deleted this post twice. I have things to say, but each time I start to say them, I end up just complaining. I think that people who complain all the time are life-sucking, self-absorbed, joy-stealers and I don't want to be one of those. So I figure I'll just keep this simple, say what I want to say, and not care much if it's coherent or witty.

I am EXHAUSTED. But how cool is my job that it has allowed me to be in [literally] five states in three days?! [Texas. Tennessee. Pennsylvania. Delaware. Maryland.]

I'm thinking a lot about new opportunities I have. In just two months from now, my life could be pretty different. In the past, that would have seriously freaked me out. Not this time, though. This time, I have a different confidence about me that must just come with age. I know what I'm capable of, I know what I want, and I'm finally in a place where I'm willing to put myself out there and fight for it. [does anyone have any chocolate?]

All of those thoughts have made it difficult to be away from home. It's not abnormal for me to be anxious to get home, but I left home on Monday already missing it & feeling a little lonely. I've learned over the past few years how to bring a little home with me, and while I'm grateful for the ingenuity that God gives us - I'm still ready to be at home.

I was in [was in? That sounds a little dramatic. I was a part of? I experienced!] - I experienced an earthquake this week. Really. In Philadelphia. It was WE.IRD. I knew what it was and even thought about getting in the doorway [glad I saw that episode of Party of Five.]. Definitely weirded me out. Thankful nothing really awful happened, and now I can honestly say "I know" about earthquakes. [did I mention that I'm missing home?]

This hotel doesn't have digital TV. No antenna. Just an old school boob tube and remote. It's like staying at my parent's only the food isn't as good.

Basically - my job can be taxing at times, but it's a cool job and I get to experience cool things because of it.

Rolling Home, Tyler Hilton

Thursday Things

2011-08-19T22:40:00.000-05:00

[posted on a Friday. I know.]

1. I saw a little boy in Home Depot this afternoon. He was wearing a plastic knight's helmet. [hat? helmet?] He carried vaccuum extention pieces as his sword. He made my heart very happy. I could have followed him around that store all day - he didn't growl or yell, he didn't slash his sword in the air or run to and fro - he just walked tall; his sword in his hand, and a smile underneath his helmet hat. [pretty sure there's a life lesson to be learned here.] I have high hopes for that little boy becoming a man.

2. I think that girls that dress up (high heels) to go to the ballpark, are stupid.

3. My favorite time of day is whatever time I get the first sip of steamy, black coffee. [will coffee always make the Thursday Things??]

4. My last trip of the summer tour is next week. I plan to sleep for a whole day after that.

5. Men in scrubs are hot.

Told ya.

I Still Choose You

2011-07-23T09:34:00.000-05:00

You all know by now that music runs in my veins.

I.LOVE.IT.

Now, I know those who love music in the same way that I do, but don't enjoy live music. I love live shows [unless they are bad, and then it's just, well. Bad.] As much as I love live music, it's got to be a really good show for me to blog about it. And rarely is it the sort of experience that stirs creativity in me [I'm musical. But I'd never call myself a musician. That takes a slew of talent and creativity that I just don't have.] A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of seeing two incredible live shows within in one weeks time.

There's this local band that a friend of mine introduced me to in April. I'd heard about them from their success in the SXSW world the past couple of years, but never had the opportunity to see them live.

My oh My.

For starters - they are local [and you know how I feel about all things Texas].
Secondly - they release on vinyl.
Third - this group is so incredibly multi-talented and multi-tasking that the product they produce at a live show is just .... transcendent. As their webpage appropriately describes, it's soaring and serene.

If nothing else - if you don't like their sound, or style, or the venues they play, you should still go see them just for the entertainment. The fascination of how they play their various instruments and how nomadic they all get on stage is worth it every time.

Seryn [Sa-Rin]

Six days later, I was driving to the Historic Texas Theater [yes, it's the place where Lee Harvey Oswald was arrested.] to see a folky duo that everyone is buzzing about. I tried to go see them earlier in the year, but they sell out super quick, so there was a lot of anticipation going into this show and friends, I was not let down.

Folk makes my heart beat.

The Civil Wars get it. They put on a simple show - not a lot of fluff, unless you count the way that she very sweetly bobs about on the stage, pulling those crazy vocals from every inch of her body. Their harmonies are RI.DIC.U.LOUS. She has such a strong, pure voice and John Paul White's sometimes gruff sound is... well, sexy. It was easy to sit and get lost in the music. They didn't talk much, just let the music do the storytelling, but when they did talk, their chemistry was familiar. At times if felt like sitting in the den watching a family show. [what? You don't have family shows?]

For me, what made it great was the brilliance behind their simplicity coupled with the crazy complexity of their harmonies. THAT is good music. As one of the perfectly Texan attendees so eloquently shouted as they finished Barton Hollow, "Y'all are freakin' good!". So true, my friend, so true.

And can I just say that Poison and Wine is the most beautifully creepy songs I've ever heard??

My. Good. Ness.

The Civil Wars

Thursday Things

2011-07-14T09:10:00.000-05:00

[honestly. All I really want to talk about is The Civil Wars show I saw last night, and the Seryn show I saw last week. Stay tuned - that post will come in due time.]

1. I woke up on a very ugly side of the bed yesterday. Does that ever happen to you? I was just angry and annoyed and insecure all.day.long. It was exhausting.

2. Sometimes, the right pair of heels makes everything better.

3. If not the heels, a venti, non-fat, extra shot latte. Sigh.

4. I completed the first project of the "summer tour" last week [Nacogdoches, TX].

Da ta da da!

Project two is tomorrow [Arlington, TX]. Project three on Tuesday [Burlington, NC]. I am not complaining, because normally at this point in the summer I'm already lost somewhere in the country and carry the icky stench of airplanes. Maybe I should make a t-shirt for my summer tour? To accompany the summer tour soundtrack? [by the way - I need some song suggestions.]

5. This guy opened for The Civil Wars. My friends did not like him, but I thought he was a doll. And I'm not regretting my swooning one bit, listening to this.

Thursday Things

2011-06-30T22:29:00.000-05:00

1. I unnecessarily snap at people often. Even people I really like. I don't know why - maybe I'm just feisty, maybe it's my red hair, maybe I just lack self-control. I snapped at a friend last night and I've frowned over it no less than 12 times today. Gah.

2. I am unquantifiably stoked about this upcoming 3 day weekend. [the Dunn family 4th of July is my second favorite holiday.] I have two words for you: Shrimp. Boil.

3. I hate [hate.] one word text messages. Even worse, one letter. What a waste!

4. My very favorite parts of the day are taking the first sip of steamy coffee [I always drink it straight black first thing in the morning], and crawling into the sheets at night [sigh.]

5.Once as a kid, I was riding on the back of a friend's banana-seat bicycle [we called it "pumping"; I don't know what the kids are callin it these days]. I was barefoot and my foot got caught and kinda tangled up in the rear wheel spokes [no. I don't know how it happened]. My whole foot was black & blue for a week! Then it turned a nice shade of greenish yellow. It wasn't really that painful - but man, it sure looked gross.

why you woke me up

2011-06-20T22:45:00.000-05:00

I have had a lot going on.

My job, my family, best friends, boys, moving. As much as I would like to buck up and be one of those breezy, go with the flow kind of girls [i just really don't do that well], all of these things have been weighty, heavy things. The sort of things that stay with you throughout the day. It took me several weeks to figure it out, but I've been carrying these things around with me like sandbags. They are heavy.

I've felt overwhelmed by them. Some of these things are directly mine - some are not, but simply having the information in my brain has been distracting, heartbreaking, and it's starting to get suffocating. I know that there is very [very] little that I can do in any of these situations, beyond what I've already done, to help or improve or ease these things. But they are all still there- rolling around in my heart like bowling balls.

I've gone so far as thinking about asking someone who will give me an un-involved, Godly ear - like my Pastor or a counselor or a friend far away - if they'll just listen for a while. I just want to talk about it. If someone could just listen. I just need to say these things out loud and know that they don't only exist in my heartbrain.

[I know what you're thinking. "That doesn't sound like you, Erin." That's right. It doesn't]

This is weird for me, because I'm not really an external processor. Generally, I know how I feel about any given thing and it is rare that I find it necessary to "talk it out" with someone to figure out my perspective or how I feel. If something is eating at me, you will know it, but it usually takes me a while to sort it out in my head before I wanna talk about it. I don't exactly know how I feel about these things going on, but what I do know is that I feel suffocated by them. I just gotta.get.them.out. I don't want advice or input or fixing, I just want to say them out loud.

I have started adding to my stressy state by agonizing over whom I could convince to just listen to me. Then Sunday came.

I have been singing on Sunday mornings at my church. Oh gosh. It's so wonderful. It's never perfect, but I am learning [all over again] what it means that He is strong when I am weak. And there's just something right about using the gifts you know you have been given.

The caboose of a good, but kinda lonely weekend [not for lack of stuff to do. I'm plenty busy. Don't start asking me to come over for dinner because the word lonely makes you feel obligated to do so. Lonely. There, I said it again. It just happens sometimes. It's a part of life.], I was happy to be with my church family, but feeling pretty asphyxiated on well... my life.

There I was, trying to settle my heart, and comfortably sinking into the harmonies of the song we were singing when a reminder came and knocked the breath that remained, right out of me.

There is none like you
No one else can touch my heart like you do
I could search for all eternity long and find
there is none like you

I might become crazy in the process, talking out loud to the thin air. But He is there. And He is listening. And He will take the troubles and treasures in my heart and hold them in His hands like porcelain. He knows the best in me even when the things in my heart are fearful and judgmental and cowardly and angry.

And that is really, really nice.

Imagination, Bethany Dillon

Thursday Things

2011-06-16T11:08:00.000-05:00

[I'm starting a new series called Thursday Things. Each Thursday, I will tell you things about myself you probably don't already know. 'Cuz I'm self-absorbed like that.]

Today is my sister Molly's 11th birthday. There are 16 years between us, but everyone says that Molly could be my twin.

she is much sweeter than I ever was

I love tomato juice. But only on airplanes.

I am daydreaming about my new digs and redecorating my bedroom.

what do you think about a shutter headboard like this?

This is my 8th straight day of working. You would not believe how badly I need a weekend.

You know those songs that make you dance a little regardless of when or where you hear it? This is one of mine.

she's on fire

2011-06-06T16:12:00.000-05:00

Monday Musings.

I woke up in an exceptionally great mood this morning. Feeling crazy confident and ready to face the world. Might have been the perfect coffee that was ready for me first thing, or the good night's sleep - who knows. Maybe it was the fact that sometimes a dress just makes a girl feel on fire.

I started packing up my house this weekend. I am a serious packer. I have my way of doing it, and it is the best.way.to.do.it. My problem is that I technically have 10-12 days to pack up my house and get myself out of it. [insert panic here]. I don't have time to pack the way I want to. [in case you were wondering, yes, I do feel like Monica sometimes].

I will not Internet date. Stop telling me that I need to do that. Seriously.

I am having some serious summer blues. Of my "inner circle", seven out of 10 are stay at home moms or teachers and they are glorying in the summer months of sleeping in, lazying in the sun, and going to late night movies, while I am trying to figure out what city I'm flying to next and whether it's Wednesday or Thursday. So. Jealous. All I can think about is laying by the pool.

Let's Go Here.

I did some apartment hunting with TJ this weekend. We found a couple really great places, and I have been daydreaming about getting to play house in a whole new space [while I'm not daydreaming about the pool, of course. but some of them had really.awesome pools.]. These are super great, kinda trendy, uptown, urban apartments. Can I really be THAT girl? An urban girl? Where are my cowgirl boots?

She's On Fire, Train

a thousand empty windows

2011-06-02T15:25:00.000-05:00

This is my thrid or fourth trip to Philadelphia. Every other time, I have left with an overwhelming since of eew. Oddly, this trip, I have come to recognize some of Philly's unique charms. It might have to do with the fact that I stayed in Center City, which is a FAR better part of the city than any of the other areas I have stayed in. You already know that I believe everything happens for a reason, so as usual, even though there's no place like home [really], I have tried to identify things that I can appreciate.

problem is, there are very few.

There are weiiiiiiird things about Philly. To list a few:

They park in the middle of the street. I wish so badly that I had been able to snap a picture because it is SO crazy. I will give Philadelphians one thing - they are some serious parallel parkers. In Texas, we have a lane in the middle of the street that is dedicated to turning. We refer to it as "the turn lane". This crazy town has the same lane, but it is dedicated to parking. Gazillions of cars lined up in the middle.of.the.street parked bumper to bumper. It's the craziest thing.
They honk like crazy people. They aren't honking out of anger or frustration, the way we overly excitable Texans do. They honk as a way of communicating on the road. They honk at everything. They honk instead of blinking. They honk to tell you to cut on in. They honk when they see someone they know. They honk when they want you to slow down. They honk when they want you to go faster. All. The. Time.
They put cheese whiz on everything. Everything.

Now, there are also some pretty legit things about this town.

The cheese steak. That is some legit food. Except when they put cheese whiz on it.

YUM.

Amos Lee claims Philly as home. Philly should be proud.
The architecture of this ancient city is in.cred.ible. The City Hall, built in 1901, was just a couple blocks down from my hotel. It is a beautiful building, and once held the record for tallest masonry building in the world. Everywhere you look, even in the really dirty, industrial parts of the city, there are incredibly old, masonry buildings and the teeny tiny designer in me loooooves it.

I come back here in 3 weeks. I'm hoping that my disdain for the city will stay somewhat subdued between now and then.

But that is not likely.

Shout Out Loud, Amos Lee

the worst part about it

2011-05-20T12:08:00.000-05:00

[we're talking music, here]

I'm not one to shy away from tooting the horn of someone that I really like. I like it when good things happen to people I like. I like it when they succeed. I like that Mumford & Sons are getting a lot of air time on the radio. I like it that Adele is killing record sales right now.

What I don't like?

I don't like it when people I like succeed because the American public is stupid about music. I don't like that when you say "John Mayer" people think about running through halls of their high school. I don't like that when you say "Jack Johnson" people think about Curious George (although that is great song writing).

Ernie Halter has been one of my favorite "boys" for years. I LOVE his sound. I think he is an extremely talented song writer and his vocals are crazy unique. He has collaborated with other genius musicians on several projects, is highly involved in Mocha Club, and does really awesome things for his fans (he infamously plays a lot of house shows). He chums around with fellow Mocha Club supporter and one of my very favorite bloggers, Annie Downs, and that gives him a heck of a lot of credibility in my book. [it really is all about who you know.] His music played a pivotal part in lifting me out of a particular funk. He's one of those LAbutreallyNashvilleandshouldbeCarolina sounding guys. AWE.SOME.

But something happened this week that will forever change Ernie Halter. Something that catapulted him to stardom and resulted in him tweeting just this morning: "Just got off the phone with MTV News. Apparently this is kind of a big deal? :)" Last week, while playing a show in Hong Kong, someone covered one of Ernie's songs. Would you like to take a guess at who that ridiculously powerful person is??

Justin. Bieber.

If you ask me, while flattering, it's an awful cover. [what? This is my blog. I can say what I want].

So. You can imagine how that would hurl an independent artist into complete and utter known-ness. Hundreds of thousands of tweens all over the world now know his name. All because a very adorable little man covered one of his songs.

Don't get me wrong. I think that Ernie Halter deserves to be known. He deserves to make oodles and oodles of money doing what he does best. [he has twins on the way, so yeah, he needs the money] But there's just this part in my heart that is a little sad that it took all the little people in the world, the ones without any money but with loads of YouTube expertise, to make Ernie Halter known. Yes, this will change his life. And yes, Justin Bieber has good taste in songs to cover. But how come we couldn't have all fallen in love with Ernie Halter in our own way and thrust success on him ourselves, without needing the slightly embarrassing obsession with a pubescent cutie pie?

I truly am so happy for Ernie Halter. I'd like to suggest that he name his twins Justin and Bieber. I'm just a little sad that it's taken this (and this long) for the rest of the world to love him.

Man on the Side, Ernie Halter (John Mayer cover)

these knots are gonna come untied

2011-04-19T13:39:00.000-05:00

[warning. I'm grumpy today. And feeling more opinionated than usual.]

You probably know about this book.Some of you may even roll your eyes and puff up at my even mentioning it. Don't worry: today, I don't care how you feel. That's not what I'm talking about, so before you get all agitated that silly little me is bringing it up - chill out.
I've always found this theory(ies) fascinating. Not because I love love but because I am always fascinated by the study of how all of us get along, or don't, with each other. What is even more fascinating to me, is that in the Love Languages test I have one extremely high primary language (scores the highest possible), and the other four score far below.

Why are we talking about this, you ask?

Because today, I am feelin it.
My crazy high scoring language is physical touch. There's a lot that goes in to that for me, and my "physical touch" probably looks very different from someone else's. Today, I am feeling the lack of it. Sometimes a girl just needs a freakin' hug.

[in fact, I think that I really need this. you know how I feel about the nook.]

I don't need words, I don't need advice, I don't need gifts, I don't need you to do anything for me... just a little huggin'.

I have a friend, Duke.

I love this face.

Duke used to be one of my bests, but I haven't seen him in several years [because he's really really awesome and has spent most of the last 4-5 years in Germany or Egypt doing things for Jesus]. Duke is one of the best huggers I know. He fully commits to a hug and doesn't ever give you a choice in the matter. He is sometimes guilty of the tackle-hug. [really. once, I got gym burn.] And you know what? They were my favorite.

[realizing right now that my grumpy opinionated self has morphed into a much more sentimental form.]

I wanted you to meet Duke, because today, when all.i.really.want is a good hug, I think about Duke. I think about how great he is for being my friend and for loving people well. I think about the thousands of hugs I got from him and how in the weird Erin way, I knew that he loved me because of those hugs.

And that makes me a little less grumpy.

Oh, The Glorious - Brett Dennen

Friday Loves

2011-04-01T15:51:00.000-05:00

Things on this Friday that I love:

1. Matt Wertz
My favorite of his today, Carolina

2. Texas Rangers Baseball
I particularly love the GameDay feature on the website that helps me keep track of the games while I'm at work!

3. Bluebonnets
I mean really, what's not to love??

What do you love today?

i am in misery

2011-03-31T13:20:00.000-05:00

I'm in a season of life where everyone - ev.ery.one. has something to say about my life. Particularly my single life. Solicited or not, I'm getting all sorts of uh.... encouragement? from friends & family; married or single. Sometimes it is truly helpful and insightful, given in the most sincere and loving way possible. Sometimes it's just hurtful, insulting garbage flowing out of an arrogant mouth.

In light of that annoying truth about my life, you might understand why I really (really) loved this blog post. I have been reading AWGTW for a couple months now, and not only do I laugh out loud regularly, but I now consider Sharideth Smith to be one of those Idon'tknowthempersonallybuti'mprettysurewewouldbefriends friends. She's a smart lady. I do what she tells me to.

So do yourself a favor and read the post. You'll either be encouraged by the fact that there are others equally annoyed as you are & painfully in the same season, or you'll be enlightened and learn to shush when appropriate and stop being insensitive to your perpetually single friends, God bless us.

And then do yourself another favor and follow Sharideth on Twitter. (better yet, go ahead and sign up for Twitter. All the cool kids are doin it.)

This song is AMAZING. (clearly on an M5 kick lately)

shoulda called the operator

2011-03-29T23:01:00.000-05:00

The text.

Love it or hate it?

Generally, I'm a fan of texting. I don't mind a phone conversation either, but sometimes texting is just easier. And, I particularly like it when you're wanting to send a quick little word of encouragement or love note (don't be confused: I'm not getting any love notes). "Thinking about you today - you're gonna be great!" or "love you, lady." etc etc. You get what I'm saying.
So.
Sometimes, my phone(s) will exert what has become quite an affectionate little ping, alerting me to a text at a time when I least expect it. Like, 9:18 pm, after a long few days of business travel... For example.
Ping.
"Hey"
Now here's my question: if one were to be thinking about another at a random time of random day, wouldn't that indicate ... Thoughtfulness? Where does that come from? Boredom? Or anxious sincerity? Did you just have to talk to me? Or something else my all-too-female mind just hasn't even considered?

Let's say... it does come from boredom. What causes a person to reach out to another with something so ambiguous as a random Tuesday night "hey" and then... NEVER RESPOND?
Or if, on the rare chance it happens to come from a place of thoughtfulness.. How do you just STOP TALKING??
I'm honestly OK with either scenario - you're bored out of your mind and are thoughtlessly texting people you know are lame enough to respond quickly, only because you feel slightly desperate for the human interaction OR you sincerely thought of me and that thoughtfulness drove you to reach out & connect with me, because you're you and I am me.

But for the love of God - don't do that. Don't just stop being a part of the conversation you started.
Follow. Through.

Easy enough, right? Good. Because I've wasted enough of my time this evening teaching you how to be a man.

(rant over.)

never gonna leave this bed

2011-03-23T16:41:00.000-05:00

It's no secret that I'm not a good sleeper. I sometimes (sometimes) tend to be a little (a little) high strung, which sorta (sorta) leads me to be slightly (slightly) fretful, and for me - that just means lying awake at night. When I'm stressy, thinky, or angry - I don't sleep well. No surprise there.

Lately, I have not been stressed. I've been abnormally UN-stressed. I have only been a teeny bit thinky, but a teeny bit thinky is normal for me. And I haven't been angry at all (well. not about big things, the kind of big things that would keep me awake at night). But I'm still exhaustified.

WHAT.IS.THE.DEAL.

Because friends, I am really tired all.the.time. I do sleep. I have a hard time falling asleep, but I get there, and then it feels like 20 minutes later my alarm is (really annoyingly) beeping at me.
At first, I thought: "Maybe I am drinking too much caffeine." So I cut that out. Well. Not really. I stopped drinking caffeinated coffee after noon (except for today, I'm drinking some right now. But I'm TIRED!). And I rarely have a caffeinated beverage after 4pm. No changes. Still tired.
Then I thought: "Maybe I'm just too wound up." So I started being intentional about winding down at night. I'm not always great at having routine, but I've been working on it. I have a killer reading list to get through anyway, so this is a great opportunity to knock that out. I also (shamefully) have a stack of sudoku puzzle books sitting beside my bed that I like to dabble in before turning the lights out. Still tired.
So then I started getting slightly more pragmatic: "maybe I need a new bed." Well. This is just true. I LOVE my bed, but it's old. Like, really really really old. It's seen much better days. It has this lovely little (and by "little" I mean, not little at all) dip in the spot (slightly right of the very middle) that I sleep. And if I didn't have it up on risers, it'd probably only be about a foot off the ground with the box springs (now you're thinking about those years and years of body soil weighing my mattress down, aren't you? EEEWW!). I need a new bed, for sure. But that's just not happening right now.
So THEN, all pragmatism left me and I thought: "maybe I have some sort of chemical deficiency and I'm sleeping just fine, my body just thinks it is really tired all the time." So I changed my diet. I actually eat pretty healthy. As much as I can, I eat almost all natural or organic, grass-fed meats, eggs & raw milk. Organic fruits & veggies. Not a lot of processed sugar. Working in more raw foods into my diet (this is also been in conjunction with my running.). I'm still tired.
And finally, I thought this last week: "maybe I have that weird condition where I don't sleep well when the moon is out." I googled a lot and found out a smidgen of interesting info (ever wonder where the word "lunatic" comes from??), but mostly I found out that is a bogus condition and the moon has nothing to do with how we sleep. So. Tired.

So what's the deal, body?? Why are you tired all the time and why don't you nap when I tell you to?

Any geniuses out there wanna take a stab at why I'm so tired all the time? No? OK. Enjoy this song.

Never Gonna Leave This Bed, Maroon 5

love love love

2011-02-14T14:19:00.000-06:00

I am single and I still love this non-holiday.

I agree that it is a "made up" holiday, as many of my jaded friends like to call it. Anyone in real love should never need an excuse to dote on their significant other, and no one needs to save up their grand overtures and gestures for spending on this one day. Furthermore, the commercialism of this day - all.that.money.spent! - is often appreciated by the recipient, but SO unnecessary. I am comfortable calling this hot pink Monday a non-holiday.

However.

I loooove love. I am a sucker for a romantic story, movie, song, etc... My movie collection is about 93% romantic comedies, and 7% really well made films. I like love, so sue me.
And so today, while I technically don't have a "valentine", I dearly love several friends and family, and I am well loved in return. And I bubble over with love for these because I was first loved by the Supreme Lover of Souls.

Why wouldn't I celebrate this lovely day?
It's an excuse for me to love some of the silly things I do, in fact love and get away with it.

Speaking of silly things I love, I've compiled a list of 14 of some of my very favorite love songs (in my opinion... and in no particular order).

Enjoy. Love. Be loved.

I'd Rather Be With You, Joshua Radin
Something's Come Over Me, Ernie Halter
If It's The Beaches, The Avett Brothers
Pretty Girl, David Ryan Harris
Until You, Dave Barnes
Ain't Gonna Lose You, Brett Dennen
Love, Where Is Your Fire?, Brooke Fraser
This Year's Love, David Gray
I Want You to Be my Love, Over The Rhine
Hold You In My Arms, Ray LaMontagne
One and Only, Teitur
On a Night Like This, Dave Barnes (yep. He gets two.)
Thinking of You, Molly Jenson
Tell Her This, Del Amitri

What are some of your favorites??

New Hobby

2011-02-05T15:01:00.000-06:00

Many of you have heard about my new hobby. Apparently, I have become a runner (who knew?). I have always HATED running. Like, LOATHED running. I agreed (foolishly, mind you) to go through this running program with my sister (who, unbeknownst to her, is in fact, a runner) to train for a 5K this Spring.
Mostly because I really like my neighborhood, it kinda became easy for me to go for a little jog around the neighborhood. And now - I'm not nearly as far along as I should be, but I am about two miles further along than I was when I started.
Several people have inquired as to "how I'm doing it". There's no magic to it; how am I doing it? I'm actually doing it. I'm not just talking about it anymore. I'm actually getting up off my derriere, lacing up my shoes, and getting outside.
However, I have found some things that have made this whole venture slightly more.... tolerable, and manageable than any previous efforts have been.

1. Green Drink. I've been drinking this heaven-sent concoction for over two years, but I have found that if I mix it up on the morning of a running day, I just feel.better. It's a disgusting color, and I'm very particular about getting the texture just right - but it really is the best stuff you could ever put in your body. Blending fresh, organic spinach, 1 banana, orange juice, a splash of 100% cranberry juice, a smidge of ground flax seed, and a squirt of a natural sweetener (like agave nectar)... I'm good to go!
2. Running clothes. I don't care what people say, they make you cooler. At the very least, they make you look like you know what you're doing - which is half the battle. But seriously, the right pants, shoes, etc... they ACTUALLY make the running easier.
3. Running Jams. You already know how I feel about music, so it's no surprise that I HAVE to have the right tunes to keep me going. I'm sure that my running jams are different than most, but I listen to what I do because they are songs that get, or keep, me amped up. (ironically, a number of them can also be found on my man hater playlist). They are angry songs, or the songs that make me want to dance about. They keep me moving. My sister likes to listen to a lot of pop while on the treadmill, particularly Britney. If you're gonna tackle running, you gotta getcherself the right jams.

A Sampling of my Running Jams Playlist

You Don't Have to Believe Me, Eric Hutchinson

Respect, Aretha Franklin

Beautiful Girls, Sean Kingston

Supermassive Black Hole, Muse

Sex on Fire, Kings of Leon

Hero, Foo Fighters

Son's Gonna Rise, Citizen Cope

Everyday, Third Eye Blind

Made, Jamie Scott

This Love, Maroon 5

I Do, Better Than Ezra

Are You Gonna Be My Girl, Jet

Cold Shoulder, Adele

Cheated On Me, Gavin DeGraw

Level, The Raconteurs

Remedy, The Black Crowes

Say It Ain't So, Weezer

Gold Digger, that awful, awful rapper person

Fighter, Christina Aguilera

Thanksgiving!!

2010-11-23T08:49:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday with my family. I have been giddy this whole week, just thinking about getting to spend the day laughing with, eating with, and being with my family. My oldest sister, Lori, said it very well earlier this week:

" Is the food good? Yes, Have you met my mother? But my FAVORITE part is getting to spend time with my family. We have super great fun and actually all like each other. Laughter fills my parents house and I leave with my sides hurting. I love my family... food is secondary."

It's true. All of the grown ups in my family are foodies. We LOVE food. We love the art of food, we love trying new things (my favorite in the last year was the shrimp boil we did for my brother's 21st birthday).

But apart from all loving the opportunity to celebrate food and try new, yummy things, we love to be together. We laugh a a lot. We play a lot of games. We drink a lot of coffee.

This morning my mom - who is a homemaking wonder, she really does put Martha Stewart to shame - posted the Thanksgiving menu on her facebook. Ohmygosh, I CAN NOT WAIT for Thursday. It got me so excited and so in love with my family that I decided I HAD to share it.
Yes, yes you should be jealous.

Appetizers - Somthing yummy, provided by Erin, to tempt our taste buds while playing games and waiting on Jeff to get home (I am bringing Apple Pie Dip with homemade cinnamon chips, Caramelized-Onion Bruschetta, & Chipotle Black Bean Dip)

Turkey - last year I covered it in a cheesecloth that was soaked in white wine and butter for the first couple of hours of roasting - worked well, gonna do it again.

Sage Sausage and Apple Stuffing - have to have stuffing, Grandfather always did stuffing

Grandma's Cornbread Dressing - this one is purely selfish, it is my favortie and it wouldn't be Thanksgiving without it, even though we are having stuffing too!

Gouda Mashed Potatoes - Gouda, butter, cream...need I say more?

White and Brown Gravy - yes, two kinds of gravy - to please every palette, and can you ever have too much gravy?

Candied Yams

Green Bean Casserole - tradition (thanks Lori)

Spinach Salad w/ Bacon. Cranberries and Feta and Maple Vinagrettte

Strawberry Pretzel Salad - Family favorite (Lori is bringing this and has the recipe posted )

Homemade rolls - with real creamery butter! (inside family joke!)

Relish Tray - olives, cranberry sauce and any other pickled thing I find that looks yum

Desserts -to be announced - a friend/guest is providing. my plan is to have a few sweet treats available as well -

Raspberry Shortbread - Pecan Tassies - Puppy Chow - Fudge

Hot Beverage Bar - ALWAYS Coffee - Cocoa and Cider - and this year am trying a new recipe for Hot Buttered Rum!

If you need a place to be thankful, we welcome all strays.

Maintaining Positivity

2010-08-19T10:58:00.000-05:00

I'm in Oregon on business. I have been here three times before, and until the last trip, I would have said that Eugene reminded me a lot of Austin (outside of the obvious ways that Texas is not Oregon). That is SO not true. The people here are fine, and it is beautiful (and a brisk 58 degrees right now) but this particular work project has been pretty brutal from day one for me, so I'd be dishonest to say that I had warm fuzzy feelings about this place. I will be really glad when I can see the fruit of all my labor.

I'm taking my own advice and trying to maintain a positive attitude, though. In effort to do so, I've been thinking about what I do like about this town. There are people barefoot, with dreads, in trees... but they don't look at me so spitefully as long as I've got my TOMS on.

1. The coffee. There is a FABULOUS company here called Dutch Brothers Coffee. They have little huts all over town that you can drive through or walk to... it's delicious coffee. And you know how I feel about my coffee.
2. I appreciate the gargantuan efforts this region - while hit extremely hard in this economy - has made toward sustainability. It's not hard to do EVERYTHING locally here, and I think that's awesome. I hear they have a really stellar open market on Saturdays where local food vendors come out in droves with their fantastic fares. I'm bummed that I won't be here on Saturday to experience it.

3. The roof of my hotel is a little garden. I'm downtown, and all of the roof tops that I can see from my room have grass on them. I don't know what that does really, but I think it's cool.
4. There is a restaurant on campus here called Glenwood's. It's very Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives. It's in an old house and their menu changes depending on the season and what's available locally. They have the MOST.STELLAR. eggs benedict.

don't be offended if I say ma'am

2010-08-11T13:31:00.000-05:00

About 7 weeks ago I moved into my first house. As long as I haven't lived at home, I've lived in an apartment. I intentionally wanted to move into a house and out of an apartment, in preparation of owning my own home in the future. I moved into a great neighborhood - a great, old neighborhood. Old houses have an inexplicable charm to them that is really endearing and precious, but I have painfully been learning that the charm of old houses dulls in comparison to the quirks of old houses. I've had my fair share of "experiences" in this house already, and it's got me thinking.

I could sure use a man.

Now, I'm not the type of woman who needs a man. I'm strong willed, opinionated, can be stubborn, and like being self sufficient and doing things my own way. But I'm also not dumb. There are just things that boys do better. There are things that boys know inherently and that girls have to be taught, much like how girls don't need to be taught the difference between a stiletto and a wedge or when lipstick has gone bad. We just know.
So, I've compiled a short list of things that I have come to believe only boys know - and reasons why I look forward to having one of these built in someday.

1. When to have an oil change/tire rotation. I literally have to set a reminder for myself to have my oil changed. I believe that boys can sense when the car needs some love. I look forward to the day when there is someone around to take care of it for me; not because I am incapable, but because I know I don't do it right, and there is NOTHING worse for a girl that car trouble.

2. In the same manner, when car repairs/maintenance are not legit. It would take me a day or two to realilze something was off, much less be able to recongnize bamboozlement right away.

3. How to make the sound of a car/airplane. Girls lips are great for lots of things - but not for this. As a child, I loved playing with matchbox cars, but was inevitably envious of my male friends who could make their cars buzz and hum - I just can't do it. (This is not a skill necessary for my every day life however, I am an animated person, and sometimes one of my stories just isn't complete without the appropriate sound effects).

4. Strength. No matter how much I work out my upper arms, I will never be able to hoist a queen mattress over my shoulder and carry it down three flights of stairs.

Southern Man, Coffey Anderson

Who Did You Think I Was?

2010-04-14T08:57:00.000-05:00

The other day, I was spending some time with a friend of mine. This particular friend of mine is one who often sincerely confuses me for "one of the guys". He is rarely successful in maintaining the delicate balance of comfortable friendship with a female, and over-stating what surely must be secrets of the "guy code". I was joking with him, reminding him of the fact that I sometimes make it difficult for him to remember that I am, in fact, a lady.
It was a thought said in jest, but it has so resonated with me. So much so, that I have scribbled little notes ALL over the place as I've thought them. I am a paradox within myself. I will be the first to admit that I can be kind of an odd duck, but I don't think I had ever really penned the things that make me so confusing.
Without further adieu, here you have the things that make me "one of the guys" and the girliest girl you'll ever meet.

I like beer. (This probably has more to do with the fact that it's a WHOLE lot easier for me to manage a bottle than one of those tricky martini glasses, but still.)
I rarely go anywhere without makeup on.
I love baseball.
I love stilettos.
I can talk music with the best of them (for days).
I love girly romantic comedies.
I am OK if the toilet seat doesn't get put down. You have to expend the energy to lift it up EVERY.SINGLE.TIME, the least I could do is expend the same energy the couple of times you forget.
I love dancing around my apt singing my heart into a hairbrush (Miley's usually REALLY great for this).
I can talk theology (maybe not with the best of them, but certainly for days).
If my life depended on it, I still couldn't spit.
I sometimes curse. A lot.
I love cooking, cleaning, laundry, and all things pertaining to "keeping the home."
Sometimes, even if I am really really really interested in what you're saying, all I hear is the music that's playing.
I always. ALWAYS. cry when I hear/watch anything involving American soldiers/the flag/the military.
I have calluses on my fingers from playing (around at) guitar.

John Mayer Trio, Who Did You Think I Was?

in the autumn of our lives

2010-03-24T09:33:00.000-05:00

I have a friend - maybe used-to-be friend, I'm not sure - but a few years ago he and I were pretty close. He was a part of my other "family" and I depended on him the way a person depends on family. He was an odd duck, and now I laugh at how weird it was that we were so close, and I'm grateful in some ways that we are not a constant part of each others lives anymore.
I'll never forget sitting in Starbucks with this friend, and I don't even remember what I had been seeking his counsel about, but I was stressing about something (go figure) and bless his heart - in a rare moment of sincerity and wisdom, he looked me square in the eyes and said, "Erin, sometimes you just have to make a decision. And do it."
This week has been one day after another of rock bottoms. After about three months of "pretty low", I have melted (disintegrated) and as much as I hated doing it, I melted in puddles every where I went. At work, at home, in the grocery store, on the phone... the good thing about rock bottom is you only have one place to go - up. I've never once doubted that there was purpose in the last three months, but knowing there is purpose doesn't make the pain any less painful.
Last night I stood on my patio listening to a newly discovered song on repeat that - PTL - has reminded me that I. love. music. The fact that I'd forgotten that makes me cry. In the beautifully spring-like weather, I came down from my most recent melt and my friend's words came roaring to life in my head. Make a decision. And do it. I stood there, falling in love with music again (it's like we'd broken up) and I looked up into the trees that surround the back of my place. I noticed all these tiny little blooms on the creaky, gray branches. Tiny, bright green blossoms of life. There was a single word that sprang to my mind - HOPE.
I've decided to be done with this funk. My life doesn't look like I want it to, doesn't feel good and there's little I get excited about anymore. But I've decided to start living full of joy, and I'm gonna do it. I don't like that a handful of events or circumstances in my life - although legitimate and real - can so derail my delight. So I've decided to not let them.
Like the tiny little blooms in the creaky trees, I have hope. My hope looks completely different than yours might look, but I still have it.

Close Your Eyes and Wander, Ernie Halter

the rules remain a mystery

2010-03-22T13:07:00.001-05:00

I keep trying to avoid sharing some of these things, but the truth is, sometimes there just isn't a better way for me to process through something, other than this. And I'm to the point where I'm in desperate need to process through this, because the weight is not only quite literally hurting my back, but I can't and don't think straight anymore.
I've experienced loss in my life before, even loss of this kind, and while the sting of hurt is the same sting, this loss is seeping deeper into my skin than the others did. The worst part about it, is that for three months I've tried and tried to be patient and gracious and forgiving and understanding of situations that I just. don't. understand. And so now I'm having to swallow the truth that I am, in fact, suffering loss.
Maybe it'd be easier if I were fighting to understand just one bewildering situation - it feels like there are so many. This is not a neat and cohesive rant about one thing. It is a jumbled, emotional mess, processing a few things.
2010 is proving to be a rough year. I tear up just thinking about some of the emotional and spiritual battles I've been fighting in the last eighty days. I keep telling myself the reminders that I need to know: and eighty days of reminding myself is getting SO old. I want it to stop; I don't want 2010 to be characterized as a rough year. I want to not be hurting anymore and I want to know what it is exactly that I'm hurting over. I want to feel things I felt before, to be passionate about things I was passionate about before, or maybe even passion for new things. And I want to find joy in...something. I am trying really hard. Every day I resolve to try again. I don't want to keep existing the way I have been - I want to start living again, but there's a giant part of me that knows that to start living again means I am going to have to keep fighting and keep reminding - and I am exhausted. It's so much easier to sink back into my hole and be numb and stuck and invisible and forgettable.
I have a handful of really great friends. And I have a wonderful family. I do - and I know these things. But there's only so much I can say to them, partly because I don't even know what to articulate. And also because one of the few things I'm actually feeling these days is jaded and defensive, so I don't want to need people. It's a very weird thing to not feel like you belong in your own family. And not because of anything that anyone has or hasn't done - just because it's where I am at in conjunction with where they are at. It feels too different to be the same.
I called my Mom the other day to tell her I'll basically be living in another state in August. Truth is, I've never been more excited to get the hell out of dodge. And in my heart, I want her, and others to hear that and be sad. I want them to tell me that they don't want me to go and they can't imagine me not in their life, even if for just a month. When really, I'm already not a part of their life, so the transition I'm hoping they want to avoid has already happened.
My mom tries really hard to be encouraging and understanding, but like me, she just doesn't understand. She can't relate - my Mom hasn't been alone in her entire life. And I'm grateful that she hasn't ever known that. But in part, it's painful to seek counsel from someone who is so unacquainted with this kind of funk.
In more than one way, I am the "good" child. I am the adult child who hasn't caused my parents great heartache and that misappropriation has become a really huge part of my identity. Do you have any idea how much effort it requires to be perfect? I don't like having to tell my parents that the good child is a disaster. I don't want to have to tell them that I'm tired of being so good, while remaining seemingly fruitless. What do I have in my life that they can be proud of? I don't know the answer to that. And I get mad when I think about all the energy I spend trying to maintain that kind of absurdity - and I have nothing to show them for it. And I probably have absolutely zero need to.
The thing that was promised to me would never happen, is exactly what has happened. And no matter how far & fast I run from this truth & the hurt that accompanies it, I can't understand how it was so easy. How can you be a part of something so securely one day, and the next - just not?
That is the loss I'm having the hardest time accepting. And that gaping wound of loss that I keep trying to ignore only gets bigger the more hurdles I face in a given day. I want to love what I do, I want to love where I live and who I invest in, I want to tangibly feel the love I know that exists in my life. But I don't.
I don't want to answer any questions - I don't even know what the answers are.
Contrary to what some might think, I am a strong woman. I know what I want, I have hopes and desires and dreams and goals - they're just really really faint right now. But I believe in those things, and I believe in the One who will see those things through. It's just in the waiting that is so painful. It's in befuddlement and numbing pain of loss that it gets hard for me to get through day to day. But I will get through and I will resolve again tomorrow to try again.

my love, my life

2010-03-11T09:13:00.001-06:00

I found this yesterday and realized it was a blog I'd written several months ago, and never posted. These past few, well, months- I have struggled greatly to feel seen. I didn't realize just how invisible I felt until I left home on a business trip, went somewhere I'd never been, and was noticed.
Stumbling across these thoughts that I'd had was a really good reminder for me. Because I don't feel this, and sometimes it's necessary to tell yourself that you know something, even if you don't feel it.

Sorta out of nowhere (although I don't really believe that anything is really "out of nowhere"). I think I have been blindsided by great love - the last year I have been loved well, and every so often I am rocked by a subtle, but great act of love. (it's at this moment that I wish I had a much greater grasp on the English language. Words are hard on this topic)

With the exception of a brief phase in my early adult years (which actually just turned out to be a great distaste for wordly romance....eewk), I have always been a sucker for good love. I love stories where love triumphs, I love happy endings, I love warm fuzzies, I love indescribable connections and irreplaceable memories. I ache to love well and be well loved. It is my greatest joy - loving others well. It's a big task and requires a lot - but it's not really love if it doesn't cost you something, right?

In my aspirations of being a great lover, I am learning that I must accept & understand what it is to be greatly loved. And my oh my - I am loved by a Great Lover.

He never goes to sleep on me.
He always wants to be with me.
He never doubts me.
He always forgives me.
He never forgets me.
He always takes care of me. (always.)
He never ignores me.
He always makes me better.
He never stops touching me.
He always knows what I need.

That kind of love - changes a person. It makes me able to love better. How could I even know how to love well if I am not well loved?
All I have to do is be with Him.

Listen: Phil Wickham, Always Forever

90s

2010-02-27T15:02:00.000-06:00

Are the 90s makin a comeback??

It would be the greatest thing on my little earth if a Julia Salinger inspired influx of combat boots, plaid, and over sized button ups would hit the runway. I might not even be opposed to the return of overalls (preferably the Structure or GAP brand pair that one would fine for $3 at Goodwill). I have always loved the messy look of the 90s, not the mention the emphasis of teen angst & drama that permeated that particular decade in our culture. I'd much rather deal with a hundred Rodney King fiasco's and OJ Simpson trials than polygamist cults and airplanes flying into Federal buildings. I'm all for the return of cliche coffee shops full of beatniks rhyming out all that aforementioned angst & thought. Or the trend of garage grunge bands playing on the roofs of local businesses in the community. I would like to see the return of spending your days off flipping through rows and rows and rows of second hand compact discs. You know that sound the cases make, smacking against each other while you endlessly search for the Fumbling Towards Ecstasy album in a sea of Salt n Pepa... clack, clack, clack.
People chatted then about this new thing called "The Internet", AIDS, and a particular political scandal instead of the fickle weather or just bad mouthing and complaining about the people we've elected into public offices.
I ask if the 90s are makin a comeback because it seems as though in our pop culture, things are becoming a bit familiar. With the return of 90210 & Melrose Place on prime time TV... and Alice In Chains releasing a new album. Names and faces everyone knew in the 90s are reappearing in the tabloids - Brian Austin Green (then: 90210. Now: Megan Fox), Joshua Jackson (then: Mighty Ducks & Dawson's Creek. now: Fringe), Matthew Fox (then: Party of Five. Now: LOST)... and let's not forget the return of Lilith Fair.

I'm holding my breath - any day now I fully expect the return of a decent TGIF line-up (am I the only one who misses Boy Meets World?) and actual Saturday morning cartoons (Bobby's World, anyone?). One of these days I'm gonna french braid my hair, trade my chap stick for a tube of brown lipstick, tie a cardigan around my waist (don't forget the combat boots and white socks), & just see if I can get away with it.

Just For Fun

Cover me like a blanket

2010-02-11T13:01:00.000-06:00

I tend to be a pretty extroverted person. There isn't much that happens in my life, or just happens in my head, that I can keep under wraps. I am your typical "heart on her sleeve" kind of girl. But somehow the past three weeks I have been able to bottle up majority of what's in my head. This is unusual and quite a feat for me. There's part of me that's glad I've finally managed to not inappropriately spew all of my thoughts to whomever would listen. Another part of me feels the great weight of the stuff. It's asphyxiating, actually.
This is blog-worthy information, because really its an anomaly for me. For the first time (that I am aware) in my life, my love and extreme care for someone has kept my mouth shut and my heart really soft. I have loved greatly - thankfully - and the older I get, I gain a better a understanding of true love. I have heard for years - and always agreed with the notion that true love is thinking less of yourself and more of others. It's a voluntary yielding to another person. It's putting what is best for others above what is best for yourself. It's asking yourself "who is this helping, me or them?" and always choosing them.
While that is not something new to me - it's manifestation in my life is new. I have never felt as compelled to want better for someone else than I have felt lately. Perhaps it's because I am loved well - and being loved well overflows from my heart into those around me, that I truly do love. At the risk of sounding the super-fluff alarm, being well loved and loving well truly transforms a person. I think differently about those I truly love. I feel differently about them. Perhaps I have grown out of my own version of the moron stage.
What's all this talk about love, you say? Well, it's Valentines week and while I am not an advocate of dedicating one day only out of the year to express love (should be done everyday, folks, in big, grand ways), I most certainly am in favor of taking the opportunity to celebrate & shower the people I love with love. It's not exactly appropriate for me to do so the way I'd like, but I'm learning to love well even at a distance.
Distance is hard for me - but it doesn't mean there's any less love. (does it?)

Paperweight, Joshua Radin & Schuyler Fisk

How can I keep from singing?

2010-01-21T13:53:00.000-06:00

Some old, some new... songs I can't stop listening to.

The Weary Kind, Ryan Bingham
Steel Bars, Jill Phillips
Little Did I Know, Over The Rhine
Haven't Met You Yet, Michael Buble
I And Love And You, The Avett Brothers
Sweet Disposition, The Temper Trap
Droplets, Colbie Caillat feat. Jason Reeves
Like You Do, Angel Taylor
Lord of Lords, Hillsong
Edge of Desire, John Mayer
No One's Gonna Love You, Band of Horses
Hey, Soul Sister, Train
Burn, Brandi Carlile covering Ray LaMontagne
Alright With Me, Kris Allen

Tomorrow when the world wakes up, I'll be in another town.

2009-12-09T08:35:00.000-06:00

I've been asked before, "If you could choose invisibility or flight, which super power would you choose?" I answer "invisibility, of course" because the thought of being able to hear and see the things that I wish I could is so tantalizing to me. And yes, I know that means I'd hear and see the things I would never want to.

I've been struggling. Battling with my tendency to buy into false realities of having an irreplaceable position of importance in people's lives. I forget how easy it is to assume, or confuse rather, my necessary involvement in a person's life with their necessary involvement in mine. It's actually kind of arrogant of me. It does, however, leave me feeling pretty much invisible. This kind of invisibility doesn't exactly hold the kind of excitement or fascination that I assumed invisibility would. You don't get to come and go whenever you please. You pretty much are just always going.

I've been reminded that while kinda ghostly, I'm not alone. Invisibility is a gift others have had the unfortunate pleasure of knowing.

"But she had an Egyptian maidservant named Hagar; so she said to Abram, "The LORD has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my maidservant; perhaps I can build a family through her." Abram agreed to what Sarai said. So after Abram had been living in Canaan ten years, Sarai his wife took her Egyptian maidservant Hagar and gave her to her husband to be his wife. He slept with Hagar, and she conceived. When she knew she was pregnant, she began to despise her mistress...Then Sarai mistreated Hagar; so she fled from her." Genesis 16:1-4,6

I've been learning that while painful, invisibility has it's silver lining. If one is always present, always available, always necessarily involved - there is never an opportunity to be found. And I'm feeling the weight of wanting to be found.

I am deciding if the ick of invisible is worth the rightness of being found.

The Soft Dive of Oblivion

2009-11-24T09:06:00.000-06:00

Today's play list. Just because it's been awhile. And because I'm amused at how many sad songs make me feel better.

Somewhere North, Caedmon’s Call
When A Heart Breaks, Dave Barnes
On a Night Like This, Dave Barnes
Until You, Dave Barnes
Home, Dave Barnes
Pretty Girl, David Ryan Harris
I Wanna Make You Close Your Eyes, Dierks Bentley
Stepping Stone, Duffy
Send You on Your Way, Eastmountainsouth
When the Lights Go Down, Ernie Halter
After an Afternoon, Jason Mraz
Sleeping to Dream, Jason Mraz
This Town Needs a Bar, Jeremy McComb
Heartbreak Warfare, John Mayer
Edge of Desire, John Mayer
Friends, Lovers, or Nothing, John Mayer
Slow Dancing in a Burning Room, John Mayer
Come Back to Bed, John Mayer
Comfortable, John Mayer
Not Myself, John Mayer
In Your Atmosphere, John Mayer
Sweetness in Starlight, Matt Wertz
Falling off the Face of the Earth, Matt Wertz
Forgive Me, Missy Higgins
Drunkard's Prayer, Over the Rhine
To Make Her Love Me, Rascal Flatts
Live for Love, Rascal Flatts
Black Keys, Andy Davis
Wreck of the Day, Anna Nalik
I and Love and You, The Avett Brothers
She's Only Happy in the Sun, Ben Harper
Forever, Ben Harper
Walk Away, Ben Harper
My Love Hasn't Grown Cold, Bethany Dillon
Porcelain, Better Than Ezra
Happy Endings, Better Than Ezra
Ain't Gonna Lose You, Brett Dennen
Love is Waiting, Brooke Fraser
Ungodly Hour, The Fray
Belief (Stripped), Gavin DeGraw
Falling or Flying, Grace Potter & the Nocturnals
Lord of Lords, Hillsong
If You Don't Wanna Love Me, James Morrison
Halfway Home, Jason Mraz
Burn, Ray LaMontagne
Samson, Regina Spektor
Tread Water, Sara Bareilles
City, Sara Bareilles
I Shall Believe, Sheryl Crow
Complete, Stephen Speaks
Breathe, Taylor Swift (feat. Colbie Caillat)
How's it Gonna Be, Third Eye Blind
The Background, Third Eye Blind
So Long, Tony Lucca
Picture Perfect, Tyler Hilton
Why Can't You Love Me, Wade Bowen
From Bad to Good, Wade Bowen
With or Without You, U2
Tell Her This, Del Amitri

Lighting a ray of hope for me...and now I am free.

2009-10-31T12:11:00.000-05:00

I dedicated this Reformation Day to praying for & through a couple of things by committing the first half of my day to fasting. I don't believe that there is anything "magical" in fasting, or in this particular calendar day, but I DO believe that God honors the sacrifice of His children. And I want to have some good 'ol quality time with my One.

Trading all that I have for all that is better.

I've spent this morning in my favorite coffee shop in efforts to avoid the distractions of home. I'm praying through Philippians 4:4-9 today:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

It is my prayer that I always be rejoicing. When my friend's circumstances don't make sense and it's impossible to see where God is and what He is doing - I want to rejoice. And I want my friend to walk in the same joy. When ones that I love are walking in prodigal living; I want to praise God for remaining God.

All of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing.

It is my prayer that I excel in gentleness. Those of you who know me at all, you know that I have a way to go in the whole "gentle & quiet spirit" thing. God is gracious to me and continually providing me opportunities with inept co-workers, selfish family members, & military-bound friends to practice gentleness. I am praying that by God's grace my moments of gentleness will proclaim His excellencies to everyone in my little world.
It is my prayer that my anxiety would continually melt away in light of Who I believe God is. PTL for the little victories I've had in this area over the past three years. I literally laugh in delight when I think about how far the Lord has brought me. It was not that long ago that I never slept, rarely rested, and was fighting stomach ulcers and all sorts of health catastrophes because of my anxiety. I am not the same person. I am so thankful! In thanksgiving, I want to always present the things that fill my brain and my heart with worry to Him, and trust that He is who He says He is, and always working ALL things for my good.
It is my prayer that my heart and my mind be guarded. You know how much of a "feeler" I am - I have a "feeling" about everything. One word, one look, one touch - can send me into a tailspin of feelings. I enjoy those feelings, delight in those feelings, but do not want to be mastered by those feelings. I want those feelings to be appropriate and as I was reminded by a dear friend last night - I don't want to be an initiator of those feelings, but a responder.

I adjure you... by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases. SOS 2:7

It is my prayer that I always think on what's True. I have a big imagination; I don't want it to get in the way of the great in my life. I want to trust those in my life based on our covenant friendship and never rely on the speculations that my deceitful heart (Jer. 17:9) may be speaking to me. I want to be characterized by a woman of great faith, great heart, and great nobility, & great integrity. I want to be trusted ("The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain." Prov. 31:11), I want to be an encouragement, I want to be lovely & admirable, I want to be a helper ("She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life." Prov. 31:12).
I am asking God for clarity on a number of issues, and the discipline to follow through on what He reveals to me.

I'm feeling grateful for this Reformation Day; for the opportunity to sacrificially Reform my heart.

You make all things new.
You make all things new.
You make all things new.
You make all things, you make all things.

there's hope in this that you will surely see

2009-10-23T15:44:00.000-05:00

The first book on my reading list was suggested by two different friends of mine, both of whom I highly respect. Both are well-read individuals. The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller is a short read (although it sure has taken me a month to do it - I'm a slow reader), & I didn't really have expectations of being conformed through it.
Keller basically deconstructs the parable of the Prodigal Son by pointing out & explaining the context of Jesus telling the story. He also helpfully adds insight to this parable by breaking down and tearing apart (and most of you already know that I LOVE a good breaking down and tearing apart :)) of the word "prodigal". I won't tell you, because I want you to read it for yourself. But I will tell you how I am being changed through it.
I found out really quickly that I had underestimated this little book. I have learned several things that I think will resonate with me for the rest of my life (thus, conformation) but it has been a far more thrilling experience, although painful, than I ever expected to have been confronted with a very ugly part of myself. To have been "sifted" (Luke 22:31) and weeded; now that I have seen, I am responsible.
I am going to assume you already know the parable of the Prodigal Son & I won't spend the time here to re-tell it. If not, read it in Luke 15. Having grown up in a Christian home with Christian parents, and very involved in the church I don't ever remember NOT knowing this story. Like most people, I assume, I have always believed this parable to be mostly about the younger brother squandering, repenting, & returning to his open armed Father (embarrassingly, PCD's very old "When God Ran" comes to mind). It wasn't until about a year ago, when I was clinging to this parable in a certain situation in my own life, that I even acknowledged that the elder brother even had a role in this story; and after having read this book I regret to admit that I am he. Being back here, clinging again to this story, I have found that I am an elder brother.
I remember about a year ago, praying through this passage of scripture and pleading with God to bring someone I love to the end of themselves, even if that meant leaving them destitute in a pig sty. I was really angry this particular day and sort of having a melt down and just yelling at God over the whole thing. I was so mad that God would allow it to happen in the first place, I was mad that the person I loved was making such stupid choices and I was mad that God wasn't doing anything about it. I was fighting with the Lord & devastated that the faithful, JUST, perfect, loving God I knew seemed to be none of those things in that moment. He seemed to cease to be just and loving. More than being mad at God I was mad that this one I love was being so stupid. I was over praying for their protection while being stupid, I just wanted them to stop sinning and I wanted God to make it happen. And in the middle of my raging rant at God, that loving, just God I know showed up. In response to my cry of "God, why are you letting him get away with this?? Why aren't you doing anything about his sin?" the Lord spoke so clearly to my spirit saying, "Erin, and what about your sin?" Ouch.
That was my first encounter with the elder brother. That moment with my Lord helped to transform my thinking & in His Sovereignty - He's kinda of awesome, and annoying, when He doesn't let you forget these things - He has brought this lesson right back to me, just as I was starting to forget it.

I don't have time to maintain these regrets

2009-10-03T12:38:00.000-05:00

The other day I had one of the proverbial "those" days. The kind of day where my temperament is less than lovely and the smallest things set me off in very unbecoming fits of annoyance and agitation. I had a problem with everything, and at the heart of it all was my feeling in over my head and incapable in some new responsibilities at work (insert absurdity here). I had given in to my usual thoughts and feelings of ineptitude & like a crazy who thrives on panic, I went about my day fretting and panting and sinking into a very pathetic slump of self-pity. Wah, wah, wah, why doesn't anyone love me.

By the time I got home from work, I was so deplorably grumpy that I decided to go for a run and give myself to the fresh air and time to pray through my frustrations. I normally don't run the hill, but I decided to use all my pent up aggression and go for it (phroo!). So I'm enjoying the cool dusky air and praying through some things that have been heavy on heart & kinda lettin' the Lord have it - doesn't He realize how frustrated I feel?? Just as I level out and turn onto the park's trail toward the north, lo and behold, I look up to the east and see an almost entirely full moon (and you know I sort of have this ginormous crush on a beautiful moon). I just laughed. It was like the Lord dropped that beautiful moon in the sky that minute just for me; just to show me He delights in blessing me and that His gifts for me are abundant even in the smallest things.

Beginning to feel slightly less grumpified, I went on around the trail, my prayers taking a slightly less selfish focus. I rounded the trail again, turning toward the south and my oh my - the most beautiful line of storm clouds. Big and ominous and bright white in the darkening sky, with bursts of lighting racing through them. I had to stop on the trail and laugh. I can't explain how beautiful the contrast was. The crystal clear and clean sky perfectly dotted with an ideal moon to my left, and alarmingly stunning storm clouds peppered with lightning in front of me.
Immediately my frustrations and angst seemed to mix with the sweat and seeped out of my body. The things I'd let myself get so bummed out about seemed absolutely insignificant and worthless out there on that trail. Without thought, I started singing the song that surfaced.

He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How He loves us so

He was jealously demanding my affections. It was as if in those twenty minutes, the Lord perfectly ordained every detail just to tell me "I love you. Have the moon. Have the storm. Have the cool air." And everything else seemed so secondary to those precious gifts.

If I don't say this now, I will surely break

2009-09-26T11:59:00.001-05:00

It's always have and never hold.

I need to be reminded of who I was

2009-09-14T12:25:00.000-05:00

I don't know if anyone else ever feels this way, but I'm feeling a little itchy in my own skin. It's almost like something doesn't fit right. You know when you find the perfect dress, wear it once or twice, and when you pull it out of the dryer, it's suddenly slightly too short to be comfortable in? That's how I feel - like something has shrunk and I'm no longer comfortable.

The past week or so, I keep finding myself slunched (Doubtful that's an actual word, but we're goin with it anyway) and in a little bit of pain. Every single time, I straighten up, try and stretch my shoulders and think "what's wrong with my shoulders? Did I sleep weird?" Only after a good week, I can laugh at myself, because CLEARLY, I just need to calm the heck down and stop being so stressed out.

So here's the thing: I think few people actually understand this about me, and there are a couple of you who are learning, but while I am an extremely verbal person, what I say out loud is only half of what's in my head. And sometimes I sink into a very introverted, thinky, place and I do this thing where my dearest friends have to tell me "turn your brain off" or "don't get too much in your head." It's not always a bad thing, but sometimes it gets really weighty.
So here I am, having enjoyed the rain and being by myself over most of the weekend, and I have sunk into this place where every flaw and imperfection and mistake are clear as day and I don't like it. They seem to be giant trees, with gangly, leafy branches that shade the good in me. Questions fill my brain and are so loud I'm almost constantly distracted.
What could I have done differently?
What should I be doing differently?
What needs to change about my personality?
What needs to grow in my personality?
How can I be a better friend/daughter/person?
What have I done wrong?
What will it take to achieve (fill in the blank)?

While I'm not so naive to think that it's not sometimes beneficial to ask yourself questions of this nature, more often than not these questions perpetuate feelings of inadequacy. (this is all coming together right this second for me, I haven't made this distinction before) I guess it's that - the feeling inadequate that has me feeling so at odds with myself.

Hmm. So what's a lie and what's Truth? What is actually in me that needs to be weeded out, and what is great & grand and being stifled by my own absurdity? I know what's there, I guess I just get to a place where I doubt it. And I seriously stress myself out trying to convince others that there are good things that exist in me. I think I might be a little frustrated with feeling like I have to do that. On the heels of being told "We would never date, you're too crazy for me." I'm trying to figure out how to embrace my crazy, and brush off the could-be insult, and accept it as flattery.

I need to figure out what I want to be perceived in me, and build it, make it strong and dominant. Insecurity is a very unattractive thing in a person.

I need to be reminded of who I was
When I took my first steps out the door
All I said now follows me around
I'm reminded I'm not like that anymore

I uprooted and miles behind me
Are the faces and the home I love
You've brought to my attention
I'm slowly changing and becoming
What I wanted to stop

Isn't that just like a finite mind
Setting out with such righteous indignation
But now I'm at your feet
Could you look at me with some imagination

The bush before me, I slip my sandals off
I only stopped to look
In the depths of the sea, in the midst of a great storm
I run, I run from you

Isn't that just like a finite mind
Setting out with such righteous indignation
But now I'm at your feet
Could you look at me with some imagination

So remind me why you woke me up
And why you wake me every morn
The staff in my hand
Held in by your love
Just stay close, stay close

Because I know my own mind
I set out with righteous indignation
But when I'm at your feet
Please look at me with some imagination
With some imagination

I want you to be my love

2009-09-12T12:41:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in a coffee shop window, watching the rain pour, devouring a steamy cup of coffee, and listening to Over The Rhine. This day is bliss wrapped up in pretty paper and sealed with a beautiful bow.

I adore a good cup of coffee, and as you all know - some good music - and when combined with the rain that I love so much - I just don't know what could get much better than this. Perhaps if I had an adorable, sleepy looking, godly man across from me. I picture him with messy hair, maybe a ball cap, and sporting his own version of default clothes - some I'll probably come to loathe the sight of, but secretly miss when they are in hiding. I picture him reading some completely random novel; maybe a ridiculous teen cult classic that I'm making him read, because I know he'll appreciate the craziness in me that loves something so absurd.
This coffee shop is one of about two bright spots in my Arlington living. It took it about 6 months to get here, but I am so glad it came. There's a magnolia tree planted outside and even in the rain, being beat up a bit, it's happy looking with six blooms sprinkled on it's branches. The ivory white of those pedals in the all surrounding greyness of this day is delightful to me.
My plan for this day is to make a grocery store run, and clean my apartment in the kind of way that doesn't get done during the week - actually clean my bath tub (it's had a LOT of use throughout this o-so-stressful week), clean off my desk and file the bills that have piled there for months, actually put away my laundry, and vacuum the carpet. It feels like the kind of day that I should have a companion for. Not doing anything in particular, just walking through the mundane tasks of life, of Saturdays, with me. I've always thought that you know you've got intimacy with a person when you can go to the grocery store with them. Whether its you or them that's doing the actual shopping; someone who you can walk through the store with - just because it's time together - THAT is relationship.

I'm forcing myself to not think about or do work today or tomorrow. I am beginning to feel like my life is defined by my work, and I'd much rather prefer it to be the other way around. I want to do what I do well, but too often that traps me into a mindset of believing that I have to be the BEST at it. That puts a lot of pressure on a girl. I enjoy being in the season of life that allows me to be extremely committed to my job - and I adore my job, so it's easy to get wrapped up in. I enjoy being able to pour myself into something that I am proud of, proud to be a part of, but not at the expense of the other things in my life that I have so much delight in. And that is where I have found myself this week.
It's very lonely.
I am learning that I can do what I do well, maybe even better than anyone else, but if it is at the cost of the loves in my life - I don't want it. There's nothing honorable about the one for the other. I'm learning a lot about boundaries and structure and appropriate passion (which, as you know is already a struggle for me :) ). I never want to miss what the Lord has planted right in front of me because I am so enamored with what could possibly be out there, or worse - what's behind me. I don't want to live with my bags packed, ready to move on at the drop of a hat; constantly eager for the next phase, season, or excitement.

So today - I am unpacking my bags. I'm settling in to where I am and enjoying the little things. A steamy cup of coffee, a well written song, a magnolia blossom, a well planned grocery store trip... I'll take one of each, please.

Made of different stuff than when I began

2009-08-11T20:18:00.000-05:00

This room smells like the best laundry in the world. Like the kind of laundry smell, when you walk in your bedroom after being at summer camp, and all you want to do is sleep, and your mom has put clean sheets on your bed. The kind of laundry smell that punches you when you walk from the stinky garage into the laundry room and the dryer is whirling. It's the small things that are making me blissfully happy these days.

I have a lot that I'm thankful for. I am thankful that I am not as distracted this week, and feeling slightly less worthless than last week. I am thankful that this project did not have NEAR the hiccups I was anticipating. I am thankful that the storm that rolled through this afternoon, cooled off the air and is not sticking around to keep me here in the morning. I am thankful that this project was extremely short, seeing as how I am desperate to be at home right now. I am thankful for the desperation leading me to a place of dependence that I most certainly need. I am thankful for the times of stillness I've had to reflect and pray and think and just be quiet for a change. Again - all of this is extremely timely for me.

Ruin me, take me, waste me on you.

So this is a little town, surrounded by several other little towns, and I can't figure out where they start or end or if they are really just one big metropolis. It's not as captivating to me as South Carolina, but the change of scenery is nice. I'm a little bummed - coming away not totally thrilled with the end result of this project, but mostly just glad that it's over!
What I walked in to:

What I walked out of:

Twice today, I forgot where I was, what town I was in. That's a pretty good indicator that it's time for me to go home - just one more project and the tour will be over. Bittersweet, bittersweet.

I'm gonna be happy with the way that I am

2009-08-05T16:04:00.000-05:00

Well, it happened. I have become convinced that you actually DO care to read these silly little road journals. So here is a pathetic try. I used to be really good about noting interesting things that happen on these trips, and at snapping pictures to document said things - but not so this time. I suppose the state of my brain this week is to blame. Blame the brain. (Or blame the parade of outgoing soldiers I watched at the airport that catapulted my appropriately suppressed emotions into an impossible-to-reign frenzy.)

If I summed up this trip in one word, it would be timely. It feels like a giant blur that I will probably hardly remember in the coming weeks, but I honestly think it has been the most timely. It's not a coincidence that at this particular day in this particular season of my life, I would need the serious distraction of intensely mind-engaging work. It's not a coincidence that I would really need the encouragement of a godly man who remembers the parts of my character that I forget. It's not a coincidence that I would have lots of time on the road with just my brain and the radio.

I was dreading this project. I mean, it's Georgia. And if you remember correctly, my last adventure here was MISERABLE. There were a lot of variables about this project that were up in the air, and being the perfectionist that I am, I really hate going in to a project where there are unknowns. But the relief I felt when I walked in to the house and saw it painted (correctly, mind you), empty, and fairly clean was HUGE.

Small town Georgia is exactly what you would expect (except I have YET to find side-of-the-road boiled peanuts in Georgia OR Mississippi!). There is not a lot around - so a lot of my time has been spent in the car driving back and forth between other little nearby towns that may have more to offer than this one. It stormed pretty good yesterday afternoon, and another storm is rolling in now - which I guess is actually extremely symbolic of my mood. It's nice to hear the thunder and watch it get eerily dark at 4 o'clock in the afternoon.

Three days of hard work, sifted with monumental distraction, and a slice of unexpected encouragement = not a failure.

I only have two more weeks of travel, but BOY am I ready to be home and stay there.

The boy's gone. The boy's gone home.
The boy's gone. The boy's gone home.
What will happen to a face in the crowd when it finally gets too crowded?
And what will happen to the origins of sound after all the sounds have sounded?
Well I hope I never have to see that day but by God I know it's headed our way
So I better be happy now that the boy's going home.
The boy's gone home.
And what becomes of a day for those who rage against it?
And who will sum up the phrase for all left standing around in it?
Well I suppose we'll all make our judgment calls.
We'll walk it alone, stand up tall, then march to the fall.
So we better be happy now that we'll all go home.
That we'll all go home.
Be so happy with the way you are.
Just be happy that you made it this far.
Go on be happy now.
Please be happy now.
Because you say that this, this is something else (alright)
I say that this, this is something else (well alright)
I say that this, oh, this is something, this is something else
Oo thi-thi-thi-thi-this is all, thi-thi-thi-thi-this is yeah,
thi-thi thi-thi-thi-this is all something else.
Well I tried to live my life and lived it so well
But when it's all over is it heaven or is it hell?
So I better be happy now that no one can tell, nobody knows.
I'm gonna be happy with the way that I am,
I'm gonna be happy with all that I stand for.
I'm gonna be happy now because the boy's going home.
The boy's gone home.
Yeah the boy's gone home.
Yeah the boy's gone home.
Yeah the boy's gone home.

Just like the maestro beats in your song

2009-08-05T13:35:00.000-05:00

I am feelin a little facetious (& clearly arrogant) so imma finish my play list from the other day (because yes, I have been listening to this non-stop). I was asked the question (in a roundabout kind of way) the other night what kind of music I liked. Obviously, that is an impossible question for me to answer. It's easier for me to say the kind of music I DON'T like - but I really really wanted to say, "The kind of music you turn on really loudly, and sit in the floor and cry to. Probably with a glass of wine." This play list is a PERFECT example of that.

Cont'd...

Where I Stood, Missy Higgins
If You Would Come Back Home, William Fitzsimmons
What Hurts The Most, Rascal Flatts
Stepping Stone, Duffy
Bottle It Up, Sara Bareilles
It's a Shame, Will Hoge
Old Love, Eric Clapton
I Can't Make You Love Me, Bonnie Raitt
Skipping Stone, Amos Lee
I'm Gonna Find Another You acoustic, John Mayer
Show Me A Little Shame, Ben Harper
Through With You, Maroon5
Bitter, Nine Days
The Background, Third Eye Blind
If You Don't Wanna Love Me, James Morrison
With or Without You, U2
I Feel Bad, Rascal Flatts
You Belong With Me, Taylor Swift

When My Loneliness Is Through

2009-08-03T23:00:00.000-05:00

I should be sharing a good 'ol "Road Journal" entry, but I don't wanna. And this is my blog, so I can say what I want to. :) Chances are, I'll become self-absorbed enough at some point in the next three days, that I'll convince myself you WANT to hear all about my traveling shenanigans, and I'll blog about it anyway. So hold your horses.
In the meantime, I have however, become self-absorbed enough to believe you all care what music I've been listening to today, while in the great state of Georgia. Ironically, this particular list of tunes would be my list of tunes today, no matter where I found myself.
I'll warn you... it's a doozie.

Who Did You Think I Was, John Mayer Trio
Apologies, Grace Potter & The Nocturnals
Ain't No Sunshine, Bill Withers
Why Can't You Love Me, Wade Bowen
Burn, Ray LaMontagne (I am working hard at learning to play this... someday, someday)
Missing You, cover Tyler Hilton
I'm Gonna Find Another You, John Mayer
More Like Her, Miranda Lambert
The Boy's Gone, Jason Mraz
I'm Gonna Find Another You acoustic, John Mayer
Seen It All Before, Amos Lee
Send You On Your Way, Eastmountainsouth
Sucker, John Mayer
I'm About to Come Alive, Train
Ragdoll, Maroon5
I Don't Want You Back, Eamon (time warping??YES.)
Just Friends, Gavin DeGraw
Wreck of the Day, Anna Nalick
Walk Away, Ben Harper
The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore, James Morrison
To Make Her Love Me, Rascal Flatts
Man On The Side, cover Ernie Halter
Winner at a Losing Game, Rascal Flatts
Dreaming With A Broken Heart, John Mayer
and I'm stopping. There are about 20 more songs, but I'm going on about 1.2 hours of sleep and I'm tired. ANNNNND... this is my blog and I can do what I want. :)

They call her Mississippi, but she don't flow to me.

2009-08-02T13:50:00.001-05:00

I love the South (as if you didn't already know). For a person who loves the South, it doesn't get any better than four days in Mississippi with little A/C, lots of sweet tea, and funny old ladies who love to gossip.

I knew this particular project would be difficult, just because of the size of it, and I was honestly anticipating the worst as far as my emotional state was concerned - and that was based solely on my experience with the two previous projects. But it wasn't that bad. Maybe my perspective has changed, who knows. Even with the scandals and drama unfolding back at home, I managed to survive.

I've got a week at home, and then I'm off to Atlanta!

Good luck to you and the King.

2009-07-27T12:47:00.000-05:00

I am recovering from two weeks of travel, and gearing up for another three. I feel like my brain is on auto-pilot and I have no control over where it goes and what it does, and things are exploding up there that I can't sort out fast enough.
I'm working through somethings that I come back to every so often, and as always, music plays a big part in usually helping me make sense of things.
Today's play list:

Skipping Stone, Amos Lee
"I don't know if I, I can do this anymore."

Walk Away, Ben Harper
"So many people to love in my life... why do I worry about one? You put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun."

Stepping Stone, Duffy
"So I put on a face just like your friends. But I think you know, oh yes, you know what's goin on."

On Your Way, Eastmountainsouth
"I must find the courage to send you on your way."

Man on the Side, cover by Ernie Halter
"Could you pencil me in when you can?"

Hummingbird, John Mayer
"Not mine enough to need, but mine enough to always care."

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room, John Mayer
"Can't seem to hold you like I want to."

Man on the Side, John Mayer
"Though we both know that the worst part about it is I would be free if you wanted me."

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room, acoustic John Mayer
"My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room."

In Your Atmosphere, John Mayer
"Wherever I go, whatever I do, I wonder where I am in my relationship to you."

Falling Off the Face of the Earth, Matt Wertz
"It's just so hard to let go once we've grabbed hold."

Burn, Ray LaMontagne
"I will stand here and burn in my skin."

The 10 & the 2 is the loneliest sight

2009-07-22T22:07:00.000-05:00

To say that today was draining is an understatement. I don't know how to adjust back to "normal" life after visiting a place like St. Jude's. I saw a lot and heard a lot and felt a lot today, but more than anything else, I was really humbled by the realization that I work for an organization that goes far beyond any other of it's kind in supporting St. Jude.
The things that have been accomplished - seriously, the lives that have been saved - in three years time is outrageous. And I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I am abstractly part of an organization that is so passionate about such a cause.

We have an entire patient care floor at St. Jude, which cares for the sickest of the sick kids. It was interesting - I sort of expected kids and their parents to be running around in some sort of panic - freaking out and in crisis mode - pure pandemonium. That is how I would most likely behave. But part of the awesomeness of St. Jude is that they allow for patients and their families to really settle in, and they make living with this horrific experience as normal as possible. We walked around the hospital; around our floor and I saw evidence of us everywhere. Right in the middle of the A.L.L. fighters and their parents, right in the middle of what aided them in their quest to normalcy - there we were.

The image of those bald little smiling faces will forever be burned into my memory. I teared up most often through the morning, thinking of my own siblings & little nieces and how beyond blessed I am that they are healthy. I will never understand the gracious and merciful hand of God on our family as all soon-to-be 13 of us are incredibly healthy. How many of our headaches never materialized into anything more? How many of our bruises healed up just fine? How many of our sores healed up? Every single one.
I am beyond awed.

Another part of our visit included touring the Target house, which is a residence for families who have a child receiving treatment that requires longer than a two month stay. The nature of my job had me critiquing every new interior aspect in the building, but I was more astounded by the thought that is put into the needs of these families as this house is operated.
A common theme throughout the Target House is elephants. For several reasons: they are said to be good luck, they never forget, they always know the ones they love and stick with them,etc... You are greeted by a fountain of them at the entrance of the house, and they sprinkle every room of the house.

Celebrities have drawn or colored these cartoon elephants that serve as art for a portion of the house. There are tons of the same template elephant, colored and decorated by everyone from Katherine Heigl & Josh Kelley to Oprah to Barbara Bush to Tony Bennett. My FAVORITE, of course, didn't need to use the template, but creatively drew his own elephant...

It was a wonderful experience. If you EVER get the chance to tour or visit St. Jude - please, please do it.
I had the (much needed) opportunity to reflect on my visit during a two and a half hour drive out of Memphis. I didn't know I'd need the time to debrief, but I am so grateful to have had it. I thought about a lot of things, and the overflow of my gratitude quickly turned elsewhere. I am learning to really appreciate and enjoy the times I have in the car from place to place. Good tunes & me and my thoughts -

...drowned out by them big 'ol wheels eatin up the ground...

2009-07-22T07:25:00.001-05:00

Memphis to Jackson play list. Short but sweet.

Wind Cries Mary, Jamie Cullum
Sweetness in Starlight, Matt Wertz
Lenny, Stevie Ray Vaughn
Hometown Glory, Adele
Laugh So You Don't Cry, Andy Davis
My Heart is With You, Ernie Halter
Shout Out Loud, Amos Lee
If You Would Come Back Home, William Fitzsimmons
So In Love, Ted Lennon feat. Jack Johnson & Colbie Caillat
Hallelujah, Rufus Wainwright
Meant To Be (unplugged), Melissa Polinar
Rolling Home, Tyler Hilton
Glory Bound, Martin Sexton
Come On Get Higher, Matt Nathanson
Rangers, A Fine Frenzy
Jackson, Dave Barnes
So Close Now, Eli Young Band
A Girl Like You, Pete Yorn
Man On the Side, Ernie Halter
Pretty Girl, David Ryan Harris

Lo & Behold

2009-07-21T22:31:00.000-05:00

I am a little late posting this, but I said I would, so here it is.

Iowa surprised me. I expected friendly people - after all, everyone I know who hails Iowa as home, I know to be extremely friendly. I didn't expect it to be pretty. Unaware of the difficult workload I would discover on this trip, I found myself to be very grateful very quickly of the beauty that surrounded me.

I seem to have uncovered quite a problem on this particular visit. I experienced great feelings of dread at having to be the one to inform my boss of said problem, and at having to, by default, be the one on the front lines of said problem for the two days I was there. On top of that, I found myself up to my eyeballs in self-doubt, thanks to the slightly self-absorbed person I was spending my days with. It is really difficult to be upbeat and positive and effective when you are constantly belittled and put down. I am a strong person, but anyone would break down under that kind of weight after a given amount of time.
It may be the nature of my job; it may be something else. I don't know. Perhaps I needed to have a really emotionally rough trip right off the bat so I don't have to deal with it later in the summer.
So when I finally got three minutes to myself, I sneaked out of the side of this particular property and made a lifeline phone call. I sat on the side porch trying not to cry too loudly on the phone, and as I was telling my friend all that I was dealing with, the Lord sent a precious gift my way.
A bunny came hoping by, in the yard, about 10 feet away from me.

Very few of you will know what a bunny crossing my path would mean to me. I laughed at the Lord's humor, and His timing, as well as the fact that there was a forest creature (adorable as this little guy was) literally just chillin' out just feet away from me.
That teeny tiny little gift sustained me through the rest of my day until I could fall into the relief of another lifeline phone call later that night.

I didn't get to have any of the coveted Iowa corn, but I did enjoy a special meal on the street of Iowa City's Mall - a really cool outdoor shopping area just across the street from the old capital building. Not that I needed the help, but the organic raspberry lemon margarita was a highlight.

I'm off to Memphis, TN next to visit St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. Is it appropriate to say that I am excited about that trip? Or do you just say that you're looking forward to the experience??

When the sky is grey I want to believe that when the sun is hiding it still exists

2009-07-15T07:16:00.000-05:00

I am sitting in the Cincinnati airport and my mind is whirling (most likely the result of a 3am start to this day!). I have just realized that I have spent way too much of the last 24 hours complaining about a man who has been complaining way too much. Maybe it's the exhaustion getting to me, but I am crazy ridiculous.
See, this is really the part of my job I love the most. It's fun, it's busy, it's exciting, and it's the kind of thing where you immediately see the fruit of your labor. I just let the physical demands and hectic nature get the best of me.

If I haven't mentioned it before, I am a fan of South Carolina. I didn't get to see much, but Greenville is a delightful little place. There is a crazy allegiance and intense loyalty to the collegiate football team that makes the community slightly more electric than necessary - which is highly entertaining.
My day yesterday started with a delivery. About 30 boxes, a couple Lowe's, Pier 1's, Target's, and 8 hours later - I could check off the first of 6 projects.
This is where we started:

And this is the end result!

I'm currently en route to Cedar Rapids, Iowa, to spend the day with one of the most contagiously positive people I've ever encountered. I've never been to Iowa... I have high hopes to experience some pretty outstanding corn. I hear it's about all that Iowa has to offer.

Stay tuned.

Under my skin and down through my bones

2009-07-01T08:41:00.000-05:00

The last seven days have been like walking on glass. Sometimes I take a step, and it's solid as rock - firm and secure and safe. Other times, I take a step and find myself wobbling on a crack - at any second it feels like the ground will open up beneath my feet. And other times, I take a step and the things that hold me up shatter into thousands of tiny shards and I feel utterly unstable.
Unstable is how I feel. Like the things I hold tightest to are hanging by a thread and will cease to be entirely at any moment. This has left me in emotional shambles, and my thoughts have run wild. After a serious breakdown of my emotions and thoughts over the weekend, I was forced to take a look at why I felt so insecure, so unsafe, and really really alone.
The Lord has funny timing - I was sitting in a dark, loud room, between two of my closest friends, and my skin felt like it was on fire. I couldn't stop myself from crying, and I could feel my body temperature sky rocket and plummet in seconds. I shook like I haven't shaken in a long time, and physically I could not sit there any longer. I could hardly even speak the words I needed to, to the friend next to me before practically running from the room. I had a serious panic attack, and in the most random, unexpected place and time. Granted, several things had happened in the two days prior that looking back, I can see were the final catalysts catapulting me to brokenness.
So I have been forced to start looking at what is in my heart that has left me feeling the way I do. I want to avoid another scenario like that at all costs, and I know there's only one way to do so. But I really don't want to, because I'm terrified of what I will end up seeing about myself. I've spent the past three days slowly creeping in to that place. Begging to hear from the One who saves me, but knowing full well that I have built a wall between us. I do not understand where He has me, and why He has me here, and I realized that I have been really mad about it. And I did with Him what I tend to do with anyone when I get mad - I just shut down and avoid it because I really don't want to fight about it. Which, in theory, would work out fine, but the relationship ceased. As I've begun the process of slowly evaluating these things, I have come to realize that as I shut down and stewed in my hurt feelings I became entirely self-seeking and self-serving.
If no one is going to take care of me, then I will take care of me.
And I'm seeing now for the first time in probably 5 or 6 months, that all that has done is tangle me up in a web I am terrified of being in, that clouds my vision, steals my joy, and hinders me from ever moving forward in every aspect of my life. And as I quit trying, I didn't just float, I was carried back down stream. If you don't swim, you will not just float, you will go backwards.
I have no choice but to trust Him. I can not trust myself. I still feel everything I felt before - I feel emotionally sunburned, like every movement reminds me of the situation, and every movement hurts a little. I am hyper-sensitive and nauseatingly aware of my depravity. It would be really easy to turn out all of the lights, fall in a heap on the floor, and just wallow in self-pity. But I no longer want to be in charge of the outcome. I don't want to be responsible for bringing to fruition God's promises. I never really was.
As scary as it is to me, I have to start tearing down the wall brick by brick. Much like the outrageous mound of laundry piled in my comfy chair, things have to get uglier and messier before they will ever get better. I dread it. But it is necessary. And slowly I think my heart is becoming more and more desperate for that kind of purging. Brokenness, heartache will do that. When you come to the end of yourself and are faced with the mess you've willingly and carelessly left at the feet of the One you love, it's a little easier to want to be better than you are.
I don't know what the next few days, few weeks will look like. I am cautiously sober-minded and guarded with my thoughts. I want to avoid catalysts to fear, worry, & panic no matter what the cost. I don't know if that is possible, but at this point, it's what I'm hoping for. It's a scary thing, letting yourself be turned inside out, completely exposed for the mess you are on the inside.
But it is worth it.
He is worth is.

A song of you comes as sweet & clear as moonlight through the pines... the road leads back to you.

2009-06-15T12:41:00.000-05:00

So when I promised that I would do this, I did it with the understanding that generally speaking, these trips and experiences would be a delight to recount. Little did I know that the inaugural trip of my summer would be such a disaster.

I was late getting out of DFW, due to and I quote "cloud cover" (which I later found out meant some storms in the area), which meant I was late getting into Atlanta. As much as I travel, I'm not the best flyer. I especially hate landing. It doesn't matter how long the flight has been, I pretty much want to just plummet for a few thousand feet, then even out for a smooth landing. I'd much rather just get it over with quickly. I loathe the "initial descent" - it takes too long and that sudden slowing feeling in the air makes me more than slightly nervous.
So you can imagine my already heightened nerves going berserk as we came right into Atlanta and learned that the airport was "closed down" due to "Tornadic activity". I didn't know whether or not airplanes could be struck by lightning, but I was sure we would be.

So after doing donuts around Atlanta for over an hour, we were finally able to land in the torrential rain. I shuffled in my heels through that absurd airport and made it to the rental car counter just as they were closing. Thankfully, the attendant was kind enough to check me in before pushing me off in the rain to the shuttle.
I made it to my hotel around 10pm only to find out that not only had they messed up my reservation, but the corporate card my room had been booked on was declined.
So here I am, coming down off my nervous high, feet aching, soaking wet, starving, and for the time being, room-less. The next hour and 45 minutes consisted of a LOT of back and forth between myself, my bosses (who happened to be in LA), and our hotel's fax machines. I tried to maintain a professional & calm attitude, but around 11:30, I couldn't do it anymore and I sat in the lobby a cried a little - DYING for a place to be able to just take my shoes off.
Finally, and by the grace of God, I made it to a room just as I was hearing from a precious friend I'd been worried about all evening. (I tend to have the WORST timing with these trips as far as happenings at home are concerned!) It made me cry all over again to just hear her voice! You know how it is when you are having hypoglycemic outbursts of emotion, fueled by exhaustion. My evening finally ended around 12:30, after another phone call with a voice that usually makes me sleep better. And I slept pretty great once I was finally able to take those darn shoes off.
I found out that Atlanta is characterized by three major enterprises: Delta Airlines, Coca Cola, and Chick-fil-A. So I made it my business to seek out the original Chick-fil-A, which was a terrific way to start out a new day.

It had been decided that after the worst night ever, I'd be having the best day ever, and even with the outrageous Georgia humidity, it was pretty good. I had just over 100 miles to drive that day, and in a not-lame-for-once rental, I really enjoyed the drive. I enjoy driving anyway, but the Georgia roads turned out to be delightful.

It's really not a bad way to travel. I was ill prepared and had to rely on the radio, which turned out to be not so bad. I rolled the windows down and turned up the volume - laughing at the rare gems that found their way through the radio waves (Californication, My Life Would Suck Without You - among others). Again, by the grace of God, I managed to not have any major fiasco's this day - which was surprising considering how badly I just wanted to come home and see the faces I miss most during the week.
I found myself sitting across the aisle to a pretty attractive & intriguing fellow (I always hope the ones who carry on guitars are seated next to me) on the flight back. As much as I tried, he was not nearly as interested in chatting with me as he was chatting with the 10 year old sitting on the other side of him (which, was actually very adorable of him). He did the courteous thing, and let me walk off the plane ahead of him, so I was doing my best to walk in those absurd heels and carry my bags like it was the easiest thing I'd ever done.
I was pretty successful until my heel sank into a hole on the jet bridge and I kerplunked straight to the ground. Bless his heart, the only conversation he was interested in having with me was reminding me to be careful and asking if I was alright. "I'm fine, this happens all the time." Was all I could manage.

Atlanta was a complete bummer on my Pedamundo festivities, and I'm convinced it's a black hole of sorts. Too bad I have to go back two more times before this tour is over.

I'm takin my chance on the wind, I'm packin up all my bags

2009-06-11T12:00:00.000-05:00

So a big part of my job requires traveling to several Universities all over the country. The spring and summer is the busiest time of year for me, since all the work we do on the houses we do while the students are moved out. This is my second full summer of this, and last year I felt like I was just getting my feet wet - I feel like I "know the ropes" MUCH better this time around.
Last summer, I tried to keep a road journal. I realize that the nature of my job allows me to see things and go places that I otherwise wouldn't ever do, and I want to keep track of it. Also, I see some pretty ridiculous things on these trips, and sharing them with you makes me miss you less while I'm away. :) (Anyone remember my PT Cruiser from last year's trip to PA???)
I did a terrible job of keeping up with it, though. This summer, I am determined. This is just the beginning, and I promise to be better about it. Not because you care to read what I have to say, but just because.
I will usually be back in town over the weekends, so don't be a stranger and come see me. Because, no doubt, I will have missed you.

June 12-13 - Atlanta/Carrollton, Georgia
July 13-14 - Clemson, South Carolina
July 15-17 - Iowa City, Iowa
July 21-22 - Memphis, Tennessee
July 23-25 - Starkville/Jackson, Mississippi
August 3-6 - Carrollton, Georgia
August 10-12 - Elon, North Carolina
August 17-20 - Pittsburgh, PA
August 21-22 - Carrollton, Georgia

Freedom came my way that night
just like a jet plane in and out of sight
I was hauling ass at a million miles an hour
wondering how hard I'd hit
When they came into the station
they said I was bad beyond repair
But I got no qualms with my situation
say here I am
So say cheri cheri won't you dare to
say cheri cheri won't you dare to
leave a message and your number please
Tie them up all my old fantasies
Put them in a big red bow and send them care of me
I'm taking a chance on the wind
I'm packing all my bags
Taking a mistake I gotta make
then I'm glory bound
So I packed it up and I went to the winds
and I lived out of a VW bus for a year or two
Ain't nothing but a pipe dream and my guitar
livin off of apple fields and old cigars
Diggin this microphone checking it out every night all alone
the car battery is dead again so I got my head dead set against it
So say cheri cheri won't you dare to
say cheri cheri won't you dare to
leave a message and your number please
Take the time to want to satisfy me
Take all those fantasies and send them care of me

Did You Get My Message?

2009-06-09T11:12:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about truth.

I sometimes get confused about truth - which maybe means that it is not truth at all, I don't know. I'm learning that for some, the spoken word is the ultimate, end all truth. If it has been said, that is the truth, THAT is what you can hang your hat on. For others, no matter what is actually said, actions speak volumes louder. You can say all day long that you want/believe/think this or that, but at the end of the day, what you've done is what counts.

What do you think? Which holds more weight, what you've said, or what you do? Do actions really speak louder than words?

I Would Rather Be Locked To You

2009-05-28T00:10:00.000-05:00

This has way more to do with me than it has to do with you.

So this week (what is it? Wednesday?) will go in the record books as a brutal one. My already fragile ego has been kidnapped, patronized, chopped up into tiny little pieces, and stashed in the trunk. A total massacre of my self-perception. I’ve walked through two devastating blows in 4 days, and while I try really hard to appear indestructible – alas, I am not.

I sometimes wonder if I will ever outgrow a certain level of imprudence. I don't want to use the word "stupidity" - although that's really what it is; imprudence sounds a little less degrading. I often shock myself with how imprudent I can be. Especially with things that I am SO sure about - so certain, so secure, so confident - those are the things I seem to be most careless with. I don't plan for or intend for that - but that's been a pattern of mine. I thought I'd outgrown it after my last heartache, but apparently not. I don’t know why I’m surprised by it this time.

I'm not sure that I can fault anyone else here - but I'm sorta trying to figure out if I can. In one situation, more than anything else, I feel really dumb. I feel stupid for believing that he was someone I could, and really wanted to marry. I am terrified when I think about how easy a decision that was for me. It makes me cry when I think about the part of my heart that I gave someone who not only had NO idea he had it, but that it turns out, I didn't want him to have it anyway. I was ready to marry him. Seriously ready to marry him. I am ashamed that I entered into that so quickly, without communicating a word. Right this minute, I can laugh at that. I can't blame anyone but myself for that kind of imprudence. On the other hand, I made decisions based solely on the fact that I didn’t ever want to end up in a situation where I had conjured up who this one actually was, based on who I wanted him to be. I worked really hard to communicate well and think on what was true in order to avoid that. And really, I did a pretty good job. And he never verbally communicated anything else. But I still feel duped. My problem is that I hold more weight in actions than I do words, and that is where things get confusing. I can’t blame him for that, because I don’t know that I could honestly say that he did anything wrong, but there is an overwhelming feeling of having been bamboozled. I misread, misinterpreted, maybe I just didn’t ask the right questions at the right time – either way I ended up on a different page altogether. I communicated better than I probably ever have, and have remained cautious and optimistic and realistic from day one. But my "greatness" was either just a turn off, or well - not enough.

It's impossible to shine in a room with either one. And all I really want is to be the kind of girl that makes someone else better. I want to be the kind of girl who stands beside, enables, and perfectly complements the man she is next to. I never was that for one, and I could never tell with the other. I should have seen that.

I've done everything I can to try and find some sort of resolve; to figure out how to keep going without lots of change and while keeping things “OK”. But all I keep coming back to is the monumental imprudence that brought me here in the first place. On one hand, I was running around exclaiming that I loved him for who he was, not for how he made me feel, or for who he was with me. I kept boasting about the fact that I loved him because it had nothing to do with me, and there was a part of me that felt totally liberated by that - but maybe it should have had something to do with me. And perhaps that is why it was so easy for me to just fall right out of that kind of love. Because I did, I fell right out of it just as quickly as I fell in it. On the other hand, I felt more like myself with him than I have in a really long time. And not only was that really refreshing for me – I felt like it was actually “OK” for me to be who I am – it was accepted & welcomed & dare I say enjoyed, and man – that just does things to a girls confidence. I’d really like to be mad about the fact that I can’t escape feeling like, enjoyable as I am, it’s just not enough.

I'm caught in a position of having to acknowledge my hasty conclusions & refusal to be candid on the one hand, in comparison with my cautions and outrageously forward advances on the other. In both instances, I am left just as empty handed as I came in. I can't & I don't blame anyone else. I honestly did this to myself. It just came all at once and that is turning out to be more than I can handle. The timing is terrible.

And that is where I am left. In both cases, I feel utterly inadequate.

I was completely available – right in front of him - for two years. Exhibiting my very best behavior (which is maybe why I have been so uninhibited lately?) - which is honestly not me at all - very wifey and quiet and encouraging and domestic. I love those things, and I will no doubt knock the socks off some poor soul with those skills someday. But I will never ever be a smarty pants, law student, beauty queen. That's just not who I am. It's not what I would have ever guessed he wanted. I know that he never intended this, and I can't blame him because I never made sure that he knew how I felt - but I feel absolutely worthless in his world. I am a warm body in the pew next to him. I am a dog-sitter. Outside of those two roles, I don't know that anything about me and who I am is anything that he wants or needs. And it turns out that’s ok, because I don’t want him needing me anyway.

And then there's you, who came right out of nowhere and saw right through my "good" behavior and made me more comfortable with myself than I've been in a long time. I can’t make you want something that you don’t want, or aren’t ready for, and I can’t blame you for that. It is what it is. I can be, and I am, really great. Apparently you know that. And what’s great for you means nothing to someone else, and is perfection for another.

It’ll take me a while to figure out how to adjust. And chances are I will cease to be as great in the time of transition. I know what I want – I just don’t know that what I want is right. In the meantime, I will struggle with feeling adequate and worthy and wiggle and worm around until I find the right place for me to fit.

I hope that wherever that is, it includes both.

Oh no
Here comes that sun again
That means another day
Without you my friend
And it hurts me
To look into the mirror at myself
And it hurts even more
To have to be with somebody else
And its so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
With so many people
To love in my life
Why do I worry
About one
But you put the happy
In my ness
You put the good times
Into my fun
And its so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door
Weve tried the goodbye
So many days
We walk in the same direction
So that we could never stray
They say if you love somebody
Than you have got to set them free
But I would rather be locked to you
Than live in this pain and misery
They say time will
Make all this go away
But its time that has taken my tomorrows
And turned them into yesterdays
And once again that rising sun
Is dropping on down
And once again you my friend
Are nowhere to be found
And its so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door
You just walk away
Walk away

Let It Be Me

2009-05-19T08:41:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about friendship.
You know by now that I take it pretty seriously - I mean it if I call you a friend, and if we get there, then there's no going back. I have been blessed with a lot of people in my life, and more friends than I could ever deserve. After reading one of the aforementioned undeserved friends' blog last week, in which she delightfully explained the beautiful mess that is her best friendship, I started thinking.
Then I was reminded this weekend why I take friendship so seriously. I have the perfect friend. Unwavering, unconditional (seriously, can you say you are a friend who has no conditions?), trustworthy, honest, timeless. I cherish this friendship, but I do a terrible job at imitating it.
It's the absolute worst thing - the thing that is the best thing. It is the worst thing because it knows you the best, and can cut you the deepest. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I've got lifelong friendships - deeper than I could even being to explain. Kindred friends who know what I'm thinking before I have to say it - and they are the ones who make me say it just so I can see how ridiculous I'm being. Sister friends who couldn't get rid of me even if they wanted to - and they are the ones who have subtly reminded me why I'm worth keeping around. New friends who are continually and surprisingly knocking my socks off at every turn - and the one who keeps me stretched and uncomfortable in my old, stinky ways. Old friends who know the absolute worst about me and love me still - they are the ones who call me out on my worst because they love me enough to not let me get away with it. Treasured friends who, even in extremely vulnerable moments of fear, share their deepest darks with me and trust me enough to do so - they are the ones who keep me faithful and honest in my own darkness.
And there are also false ones. Not ill meaning, or malicious, just not really true. Maybe they have the best of intentions, maybe they have zero intentions at all. I have learned to recognize these relationships. They are traced - they look just like the real thing, but they are only a copy. Made by keeping score and, in a rush to jump straight to the middle, leave a trail of mere appearances in their wake. They are just as familiar to me.
I've been reminded of what it looks like; what it feels like to dwell with someone - to be completely at home with them, and I really want those who call me a friend to be unmistakeably comfortable & welcomed with me. I want to be able to be imitated and depended on and hoped for. I want to be for all my kindred, sister, new, old, & treasured friends exactly what they are for me.
Clearly, this is a task far beyond my capability. But I'm kinda thinkin that the ambition is a good place to start.

There may come a time, a time in everyone's life
where nothin seems to go your way
where nothing seems to turn out right
there may come a time, you just cant seem to find your way
for every door you walk on to, seems like they get slammed in your face
that's when you need someone, someone that you can call.
and when all your faith is gone
feels like you cant go on
let it be me
let it be me
if its a friend that you need
let it be me
let it be me
feels like your always commin on home
pockets full of nothin and you got no cash
no matter where you turn you ain't got no place to stand
reach out for something and they slap your hand
now i remember all to well
just how it feels to be all alone
you feel like you'd give anything
for just a little place you can call your own
that's when you need someone, someone that you can call
and when all your faith is gone
feels like you cant go on
let it be me
let it be me
if its a friend you need
let it be me
let it be me

I Have A Reason to Sing

2009-05-13T12:15:00.000-05:00

Please pray with me for my friends, The Brandon's. Read Mrs. Brandon's brave struggle, here:

beverly-brandon.blogspot.com

Woman School

2009-04-29T16:34:00.001-05:00

So - because I am a fair and reasonable person - I am going to post all the lovely thoughts my dear friend JJ had in response to Man School. I honestly just copied and pasted, although I was tempted to delete and re-write portions of it. Responses and rebuttals welcome :).

Okay. I've compiled a short list (less than 50) of courses needed in Woman School. Since I can pass your man school with better than a 90% grade I think I have enough clout to post this. I'm sure this will get a LOT of attention.

Woman School Syllabus

1) True Listening 101 – Women think guys don... Read More’t listen, but they bring new meaning to not listening. Unless a man is gossiping about a soap opera, Grey’s Anatomy, or The Notebook/English Patient type of movie she is not truly listening. Unfortunately for her, if she is listening to a man talk about those things she likely has NO CHANCE with him b/c he is more interested in the hot guy in whom she is REALLY interested.
2) Men and PMS 101 – I didn’t cause you to menstruate so I don’t expect to be verbally assaulted for half a week when it happens. That’s an issue between you and God and I would appreciate being left out of it. Thank you.
3) Getting Hit On 101 – Don’t act like you don’t want to be pursued when you really do. Guys are very literal people and don’t deal well in abstract insinuations. Say and do what you mean and mean what you say and do. Suddenly men might respond more to your liking.
4) Enjoying “Guys... Read More’ Night” 101 – When you’re with his friends don’t act like you don’t want to be there. He’ll be more likely to show you off if you acted like somebody who wanted to be there.
5) Self-Confidence 101 – When your man looks at another beautiful woman walking by it DOES NOT mean he wants to leave you for her. It doesn’t even mean he thinks she is more beautiful than you. It also doesn’t mean he is tired of looking at you. What it DOES mean is that he acknowledges her beauty the same way you would acknowledge Brad Pitt in any movie regardless of the plot.
6) Self-Confidence 201 – Don’t assume that b/c your best friends are married and have kids that your life is a total failure. I bet they envy you in many ways.
7) Self-Confidence 301 – Your hair doesn... Read More’t always look good when it gets cut. Sometimes beauticians screw up and sometimes you give horrible directions that even other women can’t follow. Don’t expect me to tell you it looks good if it doesn’t. If I do you will crucify me for lying to you. Faced with a lose-lose proposition we are always better off adhering to the axiom “honestly is the best policy.” The principles for men are found in course material from a different school. The course is called Intro to Common Sense for Men 101.
8) Real Men 101 – If a man doesn... Read More’t cry in The Notebook it DOES NOT mean he’s insensitive.
9) Real Men 201 – On the contrary, if he DOES cry is doesn’t mean he IS sensitive. It could mean the movie bored him out of his mind and brought him to tears. The point is that a man crying in a girly movie does not make him the ideal man. It could mean he is gay or bored to tears.
10) Real Men 301 – The previous point applies to many other aspects including talking/listening, complimenting you on insignificant things like jewelry and shoes, etc. These kinds of things do not make a man perfect or ideal, regardless of how much you like them.
11) Shopping 101 – Just because it is “on sale” does not mean it is a good deal. Note: Also covered in Rational Thinking 101.
12) Christmas Shopping 101 – 10 times as many presents can be purchased in 90% less time on Christmas Eve as can be purchased the day after Thanksgiving. Note: Also covered in Rational Thinking 301.
13) Driving 101 – Automobile Basics
14) Driving 201 – Backing Out of the Garage/Parking Lot
15) Driving 301 – Parking Between the Lines
16) Driving 401 – Avoiding Large, Obvious Objects
17) Driving 501 – Talking/Not Talking While Driving... Read More
18) Driving 601 (Masters Level) – Parallel Parking
19) Driving 701 (PhD Level) – Changing a Flat Tire
20) Driving 801 – Long Haul Trucking. If you get to this course you should drop it because you might become the ideal man you’re looking for.
21) Reality 101 – All babies aren’t cute.
22) 21st Century Men/Women – If you expect a man to build you a bigger closet you should be able to repair the holes in his trousers while he’s doing it. The same “handy man” skills that are being outsourced to contractors are also disappearing amongst women. A double standard here does nobody any good.
23) Rational Thinking 101 – Introduction to Logic and Sound Reason
24) Rational Thinking 201 – Fundamental Principles in Logic
25) Rational Thinking 301 – Fundamental Principles in Sound Reason... Read More
26) Rational Thinking 401 – Advanced Logic and Sound Reason: Under Distress
27) Rational Thinking 501 – Menstrual Logic and Sound Reason: Yes We Can!
28) Shoes 101 – You don’t get sympathy for uncomfortable shoes when you wear them KNOWING they are uncomfortable simply because they are “cute.” Note: Also covered in Rational Thinking 101.
29) Clothing 101 – If you bought it and never worn it, you shouldn’t have bought it. Furthermore, when you move, you should give the item away and NOT move it with the remainder of your wardrobe. Note: Also covered in Rational Thinking 101.
30) Timing 101 – Don’t interrupt SportsCenter, any game, or Jack Bauer unless it is life threatening. In all other cases please wait until the next commercial. They happen far too frequently. If you can do this for us we promise not to interrupt American Idol, Grey’s Anatomy, or anything on the Lifetime network.
31) Ditzy Doesn’t Help You101 – The man you’re looking for should have an IQ above 40. Why would you expect him to not want the same from you? Ditzy will cause him to smooch you for a while. Not ditzy will keep him interested after that.
32) Drama 101 – If your man doesn’t enjoy watching soap operas it is probably a fair assumption that he doesn’t want you to bring him into your own drama. If you can learn to manage dramatic situations without causing drama in his life you will instantly move into “diamond” range on Mohs Scale of Hotness. If you cannot you will languish in the talc/gypsum range.
33) Breaking the Cycle 101 – If the guy was a jerk the first three times you went out with him chances are he's still a jerk.
34) Breaking the Cycle 201 – Expect a decreasing amount of sympathy and an inversely proportional amount of apathy from guy friends each time you go out and break up with said jerk.
35) Breaking the Cycle 301 – Learn to delete the phone number, e-mail, MySpace, Facebook, twitter, and home address of said jerk and keep it deleted.
38) Gossip 101 – Would it surprise you if the girl you’re gossiping about is saying the exact same things about you that you are saying about her right now? Perhaps that’s why you often make up with your best friend the day after a friendship ending cat-fight with her over her endless relationship issues (see Breaking the Cycle 101, 201, and 301).
39) Sports for Women 101 – All that is needed is at least a fundamental understanding of the three major sports (football, baseball, and basketball). If you can learn these then he can teach you hockey and soccer, which will cause you to grow closer together. Appreciating these things, albeit to a much lesser extent than he does, will buy you more cuddle time on weekends and evenings and promote you from fetching beers.
40) Video Games 101 – If you have a problem with this hobby perhaps it’s an indication that you need a hobby yourself.
41) Why Romantic Comedies Are Bad 101 – Just as porn can objectify women as pieces of meat and give men an unhealthy view of women, romantic comedies objectify men as ignorant slaves/dogs in need of training. Furthermore, if a guy actually wrote you a letter every day after the relationship was finished (like in The Notebook) you would not find that romantic. Instead, you would issue a restraining order against him before you received the 7th letter (see Honesty and Fairness).

but his game is kinda weak

2009-04-27T07:58:00.000-05:00

Well over a year ago, my good friends and I began having a conversation about the need for some of the great, intentional guys that we know to conduct "Man School" for some of the guys we knew that were... a little lost in that area. It's been a while, but if I remember correctly, the conversation started out of pure frustration - it's taken many hysterical and serious turns over the last year as we have compiled a list of courses to be offered and topics to be discussed at the aforementioned Man School (particularly hysterical: recalling the conversation of whether or not we females could scholarship certain guys to attend Man School.) The more life that I experience, and the more that I talk with people, male and female alike, the more I REALLY think someone somewhere needs to get on this.

Man School Topics (in no particular order of importance):
1. Get over yourself, you’re not “all that.”
2. Why you shouldn’t straighten your hair.
3. She cooks, you clean.
4. She cooks, you say “Thank you”
5. She does anything nice, you say “Thank you”
6. She’s always right, and you say “Thank you”
7. Learning how to dance is a good thing.
8. Why going to Cowboys and spending all night staring at the table dancers is not cool.
9. Hazmat suits and your restroom…two things that shouldn’t be included in the same sentence.
10. Fire building 101, 201, and 301
11. Basic First Aid
12. Eating in mixed company, indoors, without a shirt is not manly.
13. Knots and rope.
14. How to trade the Blackberry for a MultiTool
15. Changing a tire doesn’t require a cell phone.
16. How to rescue a canoe.
17. How to choose the proper fishing shirt.
18. Harrison Ford, Part 1-4
19. What to do when, not if, but when, you say or do something dumb.
20. Knowing when to quit. Because sometimes winning is really losing.
21. Planes, trucks, and boats…they’re not just for the movies.
22. Maps…why you don’t need a $500 GPS to figure out how to get to Kroger.
23. Cooking – Indoors
24. Cooking – Outdoors
25. Chuck Norris never was and never will be a good role model.
26. When your girl gets her hair done, it ALWAYS looks good.
27. Battlestar Gallactica isn't cool.
28. Girlfriends > doormats.
29. Gentlemanly conduct starts with opening the door.
30. Proper phone/text etiquette: when you receive a message, you should always call/text back within an appropriate amount of time and it should NEVER be a one word/one letter response.

I would love to hear any additions to the list if you have them. :)

Gonna Take My Cares Away

2009-04-09T09:28:00.000-05:00

Today's magnificent play list...

Gone to the Movies - Semisonic
To Make You Feel My Love - Bob Dylan cover by Adele (the Kris Allen version is spectacular as well)
Black River - Amos Lee
Clair de Lune - The APM Orchestra
Glory Bound - Martin Sexton
The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice
Luckiest - Ben Folds
The Boy is Gone - Jason Mraz
Wreck of the Day - Anna Nalick
Lighthouse - Ernie Halter
Man on the Side - John Mayer cover by Ernie Halter
If You Don't Wanna Love Me - James Morrison
Passion Play - William Fitzsimmons
Colors - Amos Lee
Ain't No Reason - Brett Dennen
Never Think - Rob Pattinson
Arms of a Woman - Amos Lee
Magic - Colbie Caillat
Flightless Bird, American Mouth - Iron & Wine
Out There - Blessid Union of Souls
Ain't Gonna Lose You - Brett Dennen
Tell Her This - Del Amitri
She's Mine - Brett Dennen
Pretty Girl - David Ryan Harris
Nobody's Girl - Bonnie Raitt
The Background - Third Eye Blind
Be Mine - David Grey
Blackbird - Beatles cover by Sarah McLachlan
Until You - Dave Barnes (2009 You, The Night, & The Candlelight version)
So In Love - Ted Lennon feat. Jack Johnson & Colbie Caillat
How's It Gonna Be - Third Eye Blind
Breathless - Better Than Ezra
Reason to Mourn - Ben Harper

Where the noise, it never stops

2009-04-06T19:44:00.000-05:00

Ok. So this city is tolerable.
But it's also kind of gross. Maybe I just see the gross parts of it. I mean, yes, its super cool to be in an 80 something year old building, and even in a very small insignificant way, getting to be a part of it's revitalization. But it feels so... gray.
And let's not skip over the fact that it is absolutely, undoubtedly SNOWING right now. I love the snow, and I love the cold, but I just was not expecting this. I will be really really sad if it makes my flight delayed in the morning (the very, outrageously early morning).
On the flip side - there is some incredible architecture here. Lots and lots of gothic renderings of the "gateway to the west".
Not to mention that only about an hour from where I am is what some consider the "best all-time work of American Architecture", Frank Lloyd Wright's Fallingwater.
Ok, so that is actually cool.

I have been going for 15 hours straight at this point - not too bad, but considering I have to be awake and ready for another 15 or more hours tomorrow in a very very short, 8 hours, I am bemoaning the fact that I never sleep well the first night in a hotel.

This is the first of many, from the road journal this year. Just the beginning.

Heaven Knows It's High Time

2009-03-24T08:24:00.000-05:00

At one point a few years ago my want to be someone's person; to be needed, was so intense that I settled for something I thought was best for me, and I pursued it mercilessly until I found myself bound and burned by the ravages of pseudo-love. After 14 months of this thing that looked like and sometimes felt like, and often gave the appearance of a relationship but never actually was - this thing that demanded parts of me I didn't even know I had - after almost a year and a half, I was drowning in self doubt, self consciousness, and I didn't even recognize the person I had become on the inside. My life was about being everything he needed or wanted, and that changed from day to day. And I have to say - I was pretty darn good at it.
At the time I was living alone in an apartment and with much disgust I look back now and see a girl who was always ready for pseudo- boyfriend to drop by. I was always ready to make dinner, give up or share my bed, spend my evenings and weekends holed up in that apartment attempting to play house with a boy who's parents & friends had no idea I even existed. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I was startled awake at midnight by a knock on the door, or how many times I ditched my friends and family just so I could be available "in case" he needed me. And there was some part of that that made me feel alive. It was exhilarating to be depended on that way. Little did I know then that he never - never ever - depended on me. He may have needed me to some degree, but I think that to depend on someone means that you recognize what is of value in that person. And he never did that.
Not once in 14 months did he ever pay for anything. Not once did he take me anywhere. We rarely ever WENT anywhere. We stayed in that apartment and watched TV or movies, played board games, or talked. I watched and wrote a paper for probably 15 or more films one semester so that he could get an A in a Film Aesthetics class. And at times it annoyed me - I agreed to do it, in fact I think I offered to do it, because I thought that would be something that the two of us could have done together. When I realized that I was watching those films and writing those papers by myself, I was annoyed, but never enough to not do it. I wrote every single one of those papers alone, by myself. He got an A.
It's really really easy for me to look back on that time with a great disdain for myself, and my own version of the moron stage. I still cringe when I think about the shell of a person I let myself become. There are some people that I just don't talk to about him because honestly - there just isn't much good to say.
I can't really put my finger on what it is that is making me spill all of this now. I mean NOW, of all times...But if I were gonna guess, I'd think its because I am getting a little comfy with who I am now. And as I think back at that time - even wishing to regret it- I can't. That time was somehow shaping who I am. By God's Sovereign hand, I began to feel itchy about the shape our "relationship" had molded into. We were something I never wanted to be, and I felt like a shell of a woman. If you can't relate to that feeling, I can't explain it to you, but I do praise God that you don't know it.
He never once held my hand. In fact, he had a rule about not holding hands, much like his rule about never calling him. I can count the number of times he hugged me on one hand. He kissed me twice - twice in 14 months, and he followed it up with "I am the best kiss you ever had." By God's grace I can laugh now at the incredible magnitude of his lameness. You can imagine my insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. Our relationship looked like something I had been adamant that it never look like. And I felt allergic to it. I had been house-sitting for a very dear friend of mine and after spending a week in her delightful, joyful, God-filled home, I somehow managed the bravery to tell him that I thought some things should probably change, starting with we should call this what this is.
He disappeared. He fell right off the planet and I didn't hear from him or see him for over 5 weeks. I had no way of contacting him - I had never been "allowed" to have his phone number. In those five weeks I celebrated my 22nd birthday, and my grandmother passed away. Neither event warranted his contacting me. My very ill grandmother had lived with my family, and known him, for over a year. That was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. He made himself nonexistent in a great time of need in my life and... I tasted a little freedom, freedom I had no idea I had been missing.
In the duration of our time together, due to various reasons and hurts, I sort of slipped out of church. I still prayed. I never stopped loving the Lord, and in that time I never doubted my belonging to Him. But I really didn't want to be around all those really happy, content people, who mostly had someone just as happy and content to go home to. I had learned to enjoy a peaceful Sunday morning at home or doing my grocery shopping. I wouldn't realize how detrimental these "dark ages" would be to me until months later. Again, in God's all-knowing and faithful provision, I had an insatiable (& totally random) desire to go back to the church I had previously been a member of about two weeks before my birthday that year. I laugh about it now, but God literally dropped me right in the middle of the most wonderful, faithful, and safe group of friends. I didn't even know I needed something safe. I didn't know when I showed up that Sunday that the next year, as I walked through some really scary times with pseudo-boyfriend, that those friends would become a second family to me and carry me through some very difficult times. I would come to grips with the fact that he was not what I thought he was, I would lose my grandmother, lose my job, and find my freedom in a matter of months.
It was July 4th when I finally heard from him again. He showed up at my apartment around 10 o'clock that evening, literally pushed himself inside, and me along with him, and crawled into my bed, as if he had some sort of ownership in my home; in my life. Recalling now the vision of him owning such an intimate place as my bed the way he did that night makes me cringe. I stood motionless and honestly, pretty terrified, and I realized in that moment that I was finished.
I wanted to be a woman of worth far more than I wanted to be worth something to that boy.
To this day, almost three years later, I still get phone calls from that boy. They are paralyzing and a catalyst to panic in me - I never want to be the girl that he knows so well. I am not her.

So that is my story.There are many many more gory details, but the nuggets and gold mines of Truth that I have learned through the process have transformed that shell of a worthless girl, into something valuable.

And I think I'm just figuring that out.

I need to be reminded of who I was when I took that first step

2009-03-17T10:24:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know that we are half way through Lent. Humor me.

There is a man whom I have come to greatly respect and adore. I have watched him over the last month sacrifice something that he not only enjoys, but my guess is
that at this point in his life, his body & mind crave it. You do something for so long, it becomes "what you do". I have watched him time after time gracefully ignore it in others, and seemingly dismiss it all together. One day it was, the next day it wasn't. And in accountability fulfillment, when asked how consistent he's been in
this particular sacrifice, I have watched him over and over again reply humbly, "By the grace of God." God called him to give something up and without question or fight, I watched him turn it over without a second look back.

This got me thinking.

I gave up cokes (ahem, "sodas") for Lent. It seems so small in comparison to my friend's sacrifice, but it's big for me, and I am excited to say that I somehow have managed to not have even a sip of a coke since February 25. But watching this man so bravely and boldly make such a stand for choosing Christ, something in me was stirred and the Lord began to shake me of the things I choose over Him. Lots of things have been discussed between me and Christ in the last week, and there is a lot that I've been convicted of. Funny thing though, the Lord, He opened my eyes to see the thing that was all around me. Everywhere I looked, at work, at home, in my car - in front of my eyes, in my ears, in my words - on occasion there is someone else who has occupied my affections far greater than Christ.
Those who know me well (and regrettably, even those who know very little about me) know that this is my....obsession (I even hate calling it that). Stirred by the faith, determination and dedication I've seen in my friend, I have felt really disgusted by this obsession. If I talked about Jesus, listened to or read Scripture, or let Christ occupy my thoughts and "down time" as much as I talk about John Mayer, or listen to him, or let his words & his life fill my thoughts and down time... well, we would all be better off.
I looked around my apartment and there was just as much John Mayer paraphernalia as there was "Christian" stuff. BLECH. I don't have a problem being characterized as a
John Mayer fan, but I want to first and foremost be characterized as a Christian. And just by looking around my life, I'm not sure that one could tell the difference.
So I am fasting John.

I have...
- removed every black & white photo from the last two summer tours from my computers and memo boards.
- removed every album; independent, major, single, and import.
- removed fan-fare (t-shirt, pictures, ticket stubs, etc...)
- committed to avoiding conversation around his life
- committed to avoiding people.com, perezhilton.com, or battlestudies.com
- removed every track from every playlist

This sounds so silly; I know. I am rolling my eyes at myself for even typing the above bullets out. But it is what it is. And the LAST thing I should be doing is trying to make my sin prettier. (Note of clarity: I'm not at all implying or saying that listening to, or liking John Mayer, or any musician/artist is sinful. But for me, at this point, I believe that my obsession with John Mayer has at times surpassed my obsession with Christ, and that is what I consider sinful.)
Several of you have asked about the fast - so there you have it. Thank you to those of you who are holding it all captive for me. :)

Good Lord, I'm Crooked Deep Down

2009-03-10T18:56:00.000-05:00

Cheating.

On a test, in a relationship, during a game - it's all bad. Bending, breaking, or just ignoring the "rules" in order to give you the result you prefer.

Because, you do, after all, know exactly what the very best outcome for yourself is.

A Cheater: a person who acts dishonestly, deceives, or defrauds; an impostor. My very favorite definition of cheating is

"to hoodwink or obtain an
unfair advantage over someone; conducting matters fraudulently to profit oneself."

Pretty gross, huh?

Like most girls on earth I'm sure, I have always thought of my wedding day as a day of great significance. Not because of the party - I'm not talking about
the dress or the flowers or the church or any of that other stuff - in my mind it has always held great significance because of the words that will be said.
It's not hard to guess that I take myself a little too seriously sometimes, and that I put a lot of value in words. Especially the words that I say. Yes, actions speak louder, but for me there is just something about the power of one's words. I have never doubted my ability to say those words before God and my dearest friends and family, and be able to mean them. I have every intention of carrying them out to the fullest (Lord willing). I don't worry about being able to stay faithful - to follow the rules and to conduct matters fairly and in an honest way. Those are serious words that bind a person in a covenant relationship. And I want to be bound in a covenant relationship.

Well, see, I am already in a covenant relationship. At the young & tender age of six, I entered into a covenant relationship with the One who truly does know what is very best for me. He is increasingly faithful to me and omnibenevolent. I had no idea then exactly what it was that I had entered into, or what I would continually reap from that commitment. And like every relationship, this one has seen dark days and has grown and adapted over the years, and it has probably even been "reinvented" a time or two.

But I am a cheater.

I continually choose others over Him. I continually behave in a way that is embarrassing and dishonoring and disrespectful to Him, in the back of my mind sort of singing "he'll take me back", running down that aisle in impostor-white. It's like spending the day with Him, and then sneaking out at night to fool around with a lover who demands less of me, and in return, takes much much more. And daily, I argue with myself about the "wrong" in being such an impostor and thinking I can hoodwink the true Owner of my heart in order to profit myself...as if He doesn't know what is very best for me. I run around on Him. I run around, intoxicated by what these less wild, less risky have to offer me. I become so easily satisfied with the counterfeit goods they shell out, instead of the genuine riches that have been mine all along. I become convinced that a tiny sparkler will truly satisfy me when there is a raging fire burning for me at home.

I'm tired of being unfaithful. There's nothing captivating and stunning about the kind of girls who throw themselves around at anything that looks good. And I really want to be captivating.

I want to blaze with Him.

A table at the gratitude cafe

2008-11-24T11:29:00.000-06:00

I am thankful for feelings. Lord knows I have a lot of 'em. But today I feel more than I've ever felt before. It's not a bad thing - it's a little scary, but not bad.
My friends and family who know me best like to characterize me as "excessively passionate" which is the nice way of saying that I tend to be over-dramatic and overly-opinionated. Some of them, when feeling a little feisty themselves, like to torment me with that information, poking fun and pushing buttons and watching me flail about under the weight of all my feelings.
In the spirit (I hate that word (<-- prime example of aforementioned "excessive passion") in this context but can't find a better one)of Thanksgiving - today, I am thankful for my feelings. Maybe because today they are different than they've ever been before, who knows.
I am thankful for the feelings my parents have for each other that have kept them going for 30 years.
I am thankful for the feelings I have for my other "family" and the meals I have shared, and will share, with them this week.
I am thankful for the feelings in my sheltered, naive little heart that have been rocked today.
I am thankful for the feelings of excitement I have in the good things that are on the way.
I am thankful for the feelings of sadness I feel, which have reminded me that I am grounded in Truth, and that my hope is unshakable.
I am thankful that I have extremely passionate feelings about things like words, and signs, and people, because those extremely passionate feelings make me what I am - vivacious little fireball that I am.

Wake up everyone
How can you sleep at a time like this
Unless the dreamer is the real you
Listen to your voice
The one that tells you to taste past the tip of your tongue
Leap and the net will appear
I don't wanna wake before
The dream is over
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I... I will own it
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I'll make it all mine
I keep my life on a heavy rotation
Requesting that it's lifting you up
Up up and away
And over to a table at the gratitude cafe
And I am finally there
And all the angels they'll be singing
Ah la la la ah la la ah la la la la la love this
Well I don't wanna break before
The tour is over
I'm gonna make it mine
That's right, I... I will own it
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I'll make it all mine...
Yes, I will make it all mine...
And timing's everything
And this time there's plenty
I am balancing
Careful and steady
And reveling in energy that everyone's emitting
Well I don't wanna wait no more
No, I wanna celebrate the whole world
I'm gonna make it mine
Because I'm following your joy
I'm gonna make it mine
Because I... I am open
I'm gonna make it mine
That's why... I wanna show it
I'm gonna make it, it mine
Gotta make gotta make gotta make gotta make it make it mine
Oh mine...
Yes I will make it all mine...

Do you ever wonder what happens to the words that we send?

2008-10-31T10:04:00.000-05:00

So enough crazy things have been said to me this week - I have to blog about it.
It's Friday, and in the last week some interesting things haven happened to me in the realm of words, and it's spanned a wide spectrum. From creepy crazy, to hysterical.

Friday: I walk in from work to find my Dad enjoying a frosty adult beverage after a long work week in his recliner, and FBK holding a very tiny, yet very fun & fancy little glass filled with what I suspected was iced tea. I assumed she got a little jealous of Dad's fun refreshment, and this was Mom's way of improvising. Just then Nana, my precious & slightly crazy grandmother visiting from out of town, comes down the stairs and in sheer shock and amazement gawks at Keara and demands, "Are YOU drinking BEER?!!?!?!" With out missing a beat, Keara looks up and says "Nope. Whiskey."
She's three.

Sunday: Text from unknown number: "Hi!" I had to replace my phone twice over the summer & lost a lot of numbers in the process, so this is not unusual. I respond, "I'm really sorry to have to ask, but who is this?"
Response: "It's Mike." Mike?? I really only know one Mike (after having ruled out immediately that it in NO way would have been my Michael.), and he would never text me like that. "Mike who?"
Response: "Honestly, I just randomly typed in your number. What's your name?"
REALLY?! This is not a chat room, folks.

Monday: I start my morning as I do most mornings, and walk into Starbucks for my adored coffee. The only difference this morning is that I was feeling the VERY terrible and familiar onset of the flu. The dress I was wearing was picked out of sheer comfort and nothing else, and I'd hardly put on any makeup - due to the fact that I had already used about 10 Kleenex in the hour I'd been out of bed. On top of that, my difficult breathing had me up EARLY - at least an hour before the normal time. In the wee hours of morning darkness, I walk into my Starbucks to greet my two favorite barista's - both male - and due to the early hour, I was the only one there. Let me tell you - these guys are always good for a girl's ego. Simultaneously, they both oooo'd and ah'd and one chirped, "You're looking beautiful today." Is this a joke? My hair is twice the size it normally is, due to the fact I decided to forgo the flat iron, and I - no doubt - LOOK like I have a cold. I got my coffee for free.

Tuesday: I am getting ready to leave work when my Treo beeps with a text message. Not many people text me on that phone, so I was a little confused at the unknown number. I open it up and read, "You hungry Mi$$ Chocolate?" WHAT?
"Who is this?" I tried to sound snappy & demanding in my text.
"I typed the wrong number, Mi$$ Chocolate." My boss' savvy skills lead her to search the number online, and it came up as a number at the T&P Station Downtown. I immediately imagined a homeless man looking for his "chocolate" lady friend. It didn't occur to me until later that said homeless man probably wouldn't have a cell phone on which to text.

Wednesday: I say to myself, "I think I'm in love with a Vampire." Who would have ever thought.

Friday: Again, starting my morning at Starbucks this Reformation Day, my barista is making my delightful latte and sends me off with the following: "Have a great day, and watch out for the goblins." I smile and decide to practice being quiet and refrain from scphilling that I'm not really celebrating Halloween, but Reformation Day instead. Just before I walk out the door, my coffee-making friend calls through the crowded store, "Oh! And Erin, watch out for the boys too - they're just as bad." I couldn't help but laugh at the faces who immediately came to mind at the comparison. Goblins=Boys. I like it.

pickin' up trash in dresses

2008-10-24T11:58:00.000-05:00

(Disclaimer: my poor treo just doesn't produce good pictures. Forgive them.)

Bless his little heart, the poor Californian kook has just gotten a little too "earthy" for me to love the way I once thought I could. But in conjunction with his mad vocal ability, the guy is hysterical, and I always always love his shows. It helps that - again, bless his heart - he's just not big enough to play at the superobnoxious venues, and the smaller ones just suit me better. The fact that I'm pretty sure I have some sort of head-infection-flu-like-congestion going on, especially appreciated the chilled-out venue.

He opened with Make It Mine; it's one of the few personally enjoyable tunes on the new album, and followed by the "ambitious love song", Clockwatching, it was a peppy way to start out.
His bare feet are always sweetly endearing and they reminded me (and simultaneously gave me a sliver of hope for Mr.)of a passionate fella I once knew who took very seriously where he stood. Next was Common Pleasure and If It Kills Me, which I think the latter is one he wrote while quite possibly hangin out in my little world.
While intro-ing Bella Luna he welcomed the "upstairs people" and invited them to put up their "technological devices" to create a starry night sky. It was very cute and perfectly Jason-witty to ad lib "refresh your screens" into the song. That kid can sing anything at anytime and make it OK. While it's not one of my favorite songs, I typically can't skip it because of the crazy vocals. I could've done without Love For a Child, mostly because I just don't know what to do with a song like that - are you supposed to clap when it's over? He made a pretty good little speech about how he appreciated the opportunity to "practice my gratitude on you"... I'm not sure what that means, but I think I like that. I did adore The Remedy, especially with Wonderwall thrown in as the bridge. And even more so since I heard Ryan Adams perform the same just a week ago in the same place.

I could have done without Live High and the shout out to Obama. Blah. I hope Jason's getting a cut of campaign funds. I felt just as uninterested with Only Human. Mostly because morally, I just can't agree with that song. And it's a smoking gun, solidifying the proof that he's too much of a kook for me to love, so I don't like it. I'm Yours was pretty spectacular, obviously, and the music video playing on the screens behind was a nice touch.
I've never seen him encore except last night - and it was a lot less of an encore and a lot more of a second show. He opened bringing Lisa Hannigan back out to duo Lucky which is reason enough to buy the album. I will dance to that song one day. There was a delightfully chipper cover of The Foundations Build Me Up Buttercup that was accompanied by the mrazunique sway. Butterfly is exactly what I expect from the older, kook-y Jason, and I have mixed emotions about it. Again - the vocals - pheww.
He departed charging everyone to "don't worry about any little thing" and "show off kindness" crooning A Beautiful Mess. I adore that song. The mellow'd out, purely acoustic was a fantastic way to end. And I am pretty sure some poor chap someday will sing that song about me, bless his heart.

some need the exhibition

2008-08-04T09:56:00.000-05:00

I am not your typical concert-goer. I don't wear the t-shirts, I don't dance, I don't even really stand much. I like to kick back and just watch & listen. Small venues or large, I prefer to just soak it in. I don't like the beach balls randomly flying through the air under the assumption that all 3000 people will want to be surprised with a knock on the back of the head. I don't like unnecessarily screaming. I don't take pictures of an empty stage. I don't take many pictures at all. I certainly don't take pictures in front of a picture of the musician I'm seeing.
Being the kind of concert-goer that I am, a venue like Superpages can be extremely annoying. But it is always worth it.
We had great seats this year, and even though we spent about in hour sitting in unbearably oppressive, breath-like, hot air... it was an exquisite show.

Colbie Caillat was....a true disappointment. I've always given her major cool points for being a smokin' hot lady with mad guitar skills, a killer voice, and the all boy band. And yes - she had a good sound, but she didn't PLAY anything! She lost a lot of her cool points with me when I realized she really was just gonns flit around the stage going back and forth between the boys jirating and tappin her hip. She sang songs in the order they are on her album...it was incredibly original. She played her guitar for Bubbly only, and you all know how that song goes.... pluck, pluck... pluck, pluck. I will say that her Jackson 5 ditty was fun, and I appreciated her intro to Realize - what girl can't relate to that song?
I wasn't impressed with her much-too-yuppy persona. I regret to say she made me a little sad.

Here's the good stuff.

About an hour before the opening opener was supossed to go on, the power went out. At 6:30pm on an August evening in Texas, that means it gets real hot, real quick. So to our relief, about 90 minutes later, the power cam back on, the show went on, and along with the sun going down, our temperatures started to drop.
That is until John came on stage around 9:30.....shirtless.

Bigger Than My Body was the opener, which was just the first Heavier Things surprise. It didn't take a genuis to figure out he was some kind of hyper...maybe he was just glad to see us. Maybe John is on Spark or some other vitamin supplement cuz he sure was excited to be with us. After a giddy "Last year, Dallas and Houston kiiiiiiiiiiiilled it." he went into Belief, which is always good live. We were lucky enough to hear more covers than normal, the first of which being Clapton's Crossraods. Intro-ing into I Don't Trust Myself he crooned, "Everybody asks me how she's doin...everybody asks me how she's doin...I say I'm doin fine." He danced a lot...I swear I've never seen someone do so many jumpin jacks WHILE whaling away on the guitar. He was acting like my little siblings on Christmas morning. He's definetly been workin on his tricks:
I used to not be a fan of the trumpets, but the trumpet solo opening, and DRH's bridge was fantastic.
I love live John; he's always checkin in. "You havin a good time so far?" It's nice of him to check in.
The Daughter's intro was not what I was expecting. He started goin on and on about history and chemistry and how you've always got to have them. He says history is different when you only have 15 years of it, but when you start getting 30 years of it, things get a little more complicated so the chemistry's gotta be crazy strong. He was talking about rainbows & clouds...you've gotta have one to get the other. It kinda gave some more insight into the song.
And this is when it got REAL good.

Good Love Is On the Way followed by covers two and three: Mercy from Duffy (a new one I'm still learning, but I like) and the newest song to sing me to sleep, acoustic Free Fallin' with DRH.
I was thrilled to hear a live Stitched Up and even more thrilled to hear the "I'm not exactly the embodiment of this song anymore" intro to No Such Thing, mixed with a brief My Stupid Mouth-turns into-Why Georgia.
The other delightful Heavier Things ditty was Come Back to Bed, which reminded me of the olden days when I was hearing brand new music at my first John show. Nothing really tops the beatbox (who doesn't love a shirtless man who can beatbox?) intro into Vultures. He gave a shout out to all the "grass people" (which means those seated on the lawn...among whom were probably several "grass people") just before the most incredibly trick of all. I don't know what you call this one, but it was sort of a hug and switcheroo with DRH:
He ended with Waiting, which while a little overplayed, was a fun one.
I was elated that my vote for the Encore won out...In Your Atmosphere. Which, if you haven't picked up Where The Light Is, you REALLY need to even if it's just for that one song. Incredible.
Encore was made complete with a super blusy Cold Shot and wrapped up with Gravity. I tell ya...I've got a completely different understanding of that song. He gave an almost pastor-like schpill about how by the grace of God he had never had to deal with a "darkness" in his life; no drugs or alcohol strongholds, or dark depressions or weighty, oppressive seasons in life that are the result of wanting too much. He was - at least he came across like he was genuinely humbled by his fortunate life circumstances. He seemed sincerely aware of how quickly one's life can fall apart. Even those who seem to have it all together. I love John, but I'm not gonna lie, it was a little cheesy how moving it was.
Honestly - I have never really thought he was an attractive man. But how can you not wanna spend some QT with a guy who has mad guitar skills, is tatted up, a phenominal lookin' watch, isn't wearin a shirt, has just spent the last two & half hours bein crazy goofy and simultaneously serious.

Thanks for not stayin away too long... here's to next year.

You're the get away car

2008-07-16T08:46:00.000-05:00

Most of you - if you haven't already met her, you've heard me talk about Fat Baby Keara (even though right before my very eyes the "fat baby" part of her has disappeared!). Three and a half years ago when my parents told us they were expecting their seventh child - well, you can imagine my great disdain for such "irresponsibility". I was 21. I had two nieces. And my PARENTS were going to have a BABY?! Crazy, right?

Or Jesus.

You see, from before her very first days on this planet, Keara has been much more than the seventh child. She has been a delight. She is the one who says the most outrageous things when you least expect it (Keara, where do you live? "In a castle with my prince."). She is a barrel of laughs and she oozes excitement constantly(as most tots do). She is what you crave at the end of a rough day. She is always an anticipated escape. Keara was born and about one month later my ailing Grandma moved in with us. The two of them became inseparable best friends for the following nine months. Keara had a heart defect. Grandma rarely got out of bed. I think Keara's favorite place on earth was on Grandma's bed. Grandma bought Keara a little purse on one of her very few trips accompanying Mom to Wal-Mart and Keara carried it around like Grandma carried her oxygen tube around. When Grandma died, Keara was a little funky for a couple of days, and two months later when she turned one, Mom made her a birthday cake in the shape of a purse.
Most days, Keara keeps us going. She certainly kept Mom going during the pregnancy. And as difficult as that time was on all of us, none of us could have imagined the delight that was being given to our family. When my parents started talking about names, they decided they wanted something significantly Irish-sounding. So they chose Keara Joy. None of us knew it at the time, but Keara means "pure" in Irish. she literally is PURE JOY. And she is.
Even as an almost-three year old, she has one of the most vivacious personalities. She loves romance and singing and all things girly. She really loves singing. She has been singing "Jesus Loves Me" with a great amount of passion for almost two years now. WELL. Keara's most recent song-obsession is GET THIS: Everything, Michael Buble.
She sings it - EVERY WORD - with such gumption, often clutching her little hands at her chest and raising her toddler chin into the air. I'm not gonna lie; it's hysterical. It's adorable and laughable when her over dramatic face squinches up and she sings "I can't believe that - uh - I'm your man and I get to kiss you baby, just because I can." at the top of her little lungs.
If you don't love her already, lemme know. I've got more stories.

You're a falling star, You're the get away car.
You're the line in the sand when I go too far.
You're the swimming pool, on an August day.
And you're the perfect thing to say.
And you play it coy, but it's kinda cute.
Ah, When you smile at me you know exactly what you do.
Baby don't pretend, that you don't know it's true.
Cause you can see it when I look at you.
And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.
You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,
And you light me up, when you ring my bell.
You're a mystery, you're from outer space,
You're every minute of my everyday.
And I can't believe, uh that I'm your man,
And I get to kiss you baby just because I can.
Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,
And you know that's what our love can do.
And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.
So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La
So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La
And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.
You're every song, and I sing along.
'Cause you're my everything.
Yeah, yeah

I just remembered that time at the market

2008-06-30T09:39:00.000-05:00

We've met again. (And apparently, discussing my other "new love" isn't worthy of blog-space.) Maybe its the excitement of the summer tour (which I experience only one month from now!), maybe it's that he's coming out of the moron stage. To quote my o-so-understanding bff, "We knew he had a stupid mouth."
So yeah, I just had to share.

I'm laying in my London hotel room in one of my least favorite scenarios: the job is done today but the plane takes off tomorrow. The European tour was an absolute blast and I think I speak for the band and crew when I say that all sights are set firmly on the US tour and making it the best ever.

As a 30-year old with an eight-year mainstream professional music career, I couldn't be happier (and more thankful) to still have a gig. All I can think about when I'm on stage these days is how terrible it would feel to have learned how to make the most out of each and every show after the gig was up.

It's a funny time to be alive right now, in that I'm not quite sure we're celebrating like we should. I don't mean the "Hand me your keys, Dan!" celebrating. I mean the very innate act of celebration; human appreciation. Group reveling. A general sense of "This is my tribe and this is our fellowship." Like a concert.

I know I've written along these lines before, but do you know why it matters? Because someday you're going to be old, and things are going to change. Your body is going to turn on you. I already know where the L-5 and L-6 discs in my back are, because they're wearing down a little, and when I ask the doc how we lick this, he says "It is what it is. You're not 18 anymore." I have 3 gray hairs that I insist are "mutant clear hairs" but they're not. They're just gray. And right on time.

Chances are you won't get hit by that proverbial bus people always talk about when they're smoking a Lucky Strike and tipping back on their chair. Odds are also on your side (thank God) that you won't ever get the news from your doctor that you have only months left to live. But you know what he may very well tell you? That you need a new hip. Nobody ever says "live it up because someday you might need a new hip" but it's the truth. They don't say "Be good to one another because in time we'll all know a medical lab technician on a first name basis" but it happens every day.

My point is that whenever that someday comes, when I slide into the MRI scanner and the thing starts spinning up, spitting lasers and screaming into my ears, I may very well say to myself "I wish I had just one more of those summers."

Being a young man is kick-ass. Being a young man who knows that being a young man is kick-ass is what it's really all about. And as a musician, I'm finally learning to distinguish the notes that matter from the ones that don't. I'm also getting better at knowing those notes as a person, too. I'm excited to bring it all on stage, and even more excited to see you all out there.

Thank you for another one of those summers.

John

somethings come over me

2008-06-27T13:43:00.000-05:00

I have a new love (in contrast to Old Love, see 5/27/07 post). This love is different. I didn't expect this love. And it was love right away. The moment I walked into that room that night. That tough frame curled up in that chair, and those eyes that didn't just look at me, but actually saw me. And the last seven months have been delightful.
We are a team. No one else has what we have. Some come close, but it's just not the same. I'm an investor - when I do relationships, whether it be friendship or more than friendship, I do it 100%. I don't do it half-way. We are in it, or we aren't. This is the first time I have been out-matched in the investment. This love, I'm pretty sure, is in it more than I am.
I've never seen anyone that is so genuinely excited to see me. Do you know what that does to a girl's ego? It's terrific. I have never felt like I could not be myself with this love. In fact, this love makes me better. This love has helped me be patient and servant-minded. I want this love with me everywhere I go.
I want you to meet my new love:

This is Zoey. And I love her.

I wanna make you laugh
Scratch your back
I wanna hold up your arms.
Make you feel like that
I wanna rock your boat.
I wanna let you know
Something's come over me
God knows, how hard it has been
How many tears you have cried
Over him.
Now I don't wanna, don't wanna, don't wanna
be there to shake your chain.
Be so vain.
Let my patience explain.
I wanna make you laugh
Scratch your back
I wanna hold up your arms.
Make you feel like that
I wanna rock your boat.
Baby, I wanna let you know
Something's come over me
Something's come over me
That's all I'm going through
One more day, in this life
I'm so messed up over you
I wanna make you laugh
Scratch your back
I wanna hold up your arms
Make you feel like that.
I wanna rock your boat
Baby, I wanna let you know.
Something's come over me.
Over me, baby
I wanna rock your boat
Baby, I wanna let you know
Something's come over me.
Over me

The Back Roads

2008-06-12T18:26:00.000-05:00

There is a lot of big change happening in my life. And honestly, it has had me all kinds of twisted up inside. I realize that things like this just happen. Life IS change. And I realize that part of "growing up" (even though I really hate that I am) is coming to the recognition that things, especially friendships, ebb and flow; and that is what life is. Painful? Absolutely.
But remember my tendency to cuddle up with anxiety and worry? That part of me makes change incredibly difficult. And it is way too easy to only see the hard part about change. The sticky, rough, and painful part of change is what is clear as day to me. So as I've come to this inevitable recognition that some of the people I've poured into the past two or three years are no longer a part of my daily life, that I will no longer live in the city I've always lived in, MY city, and that in six months time a third of my siblings will be scattered across the country, I've been litigating with the Lord.
I know what His character is. I know, and gratefully recall, all the mighty ways that He has been sweet to me and my family in various ways over the years. And I have been trying to figure out why my life now, with all of it's change, doesn't seem to line up with those things I know. And the answer I keep getting (and regretfully, continue to argue with)continues to echo "Be still and know that I am God.", "Our God is in the heavens, He does whatever pleases Him.", "Look at the birds of the air... are you not much more valuable than they?", and something like "I am God and you are not."
That has not been enough for me. My confused and reeling pain over some of these things has blinded me to believing and trusting those things. I have been convinced that the Lord is NOT for me, and that nothing is good. I don't understand why some of these things have to happen ever, let alone now, and I don't know what to do about them.
A precious friend of mine blogged this earlier this week:
Sometimes, particularly in the darkness where daily life feels like an open wound being opened and salted repeatedly until we become blinded and numb by grief and pain, when evil appears to triumph over good, and the Rescuer is nowhere in sight, it seems easier not to believe. Isn't it easier to believe that there's Nobody or Nothing out there than to have to cling desperately to the belief that an all-knowing, all-powerful, sovereign God not only allowed our circumstances but has not chosen to change them?
How do you respond to overwhelming circumstances? I hope not the same way I do, because it is shameful. My response has been shaking my fists at God and begging Him for some sort of clarity, or redirection. I can't be thankful that He has responded at all, I have to be unhappy with His answer. My response should be humble obedience, acceptance, and rejoicing in the fact that I have a God who loves me enough to not let me stay comfortably content where I am.
When I was 11 or 12, my family went up to my Grandma's house in the New Mexico mountains for Christmas. It is beautiful up there; everything smells like pine, and besides the saw mill, my grandma's house is the only structure in sight. Christmas Eve, my dad (girls and their dad's are just weird at that stage) asked if I wanted to go on a walk with him. There wasn't anything else to do, so I agreed and BOY did we WALK. We walked something like 9 miles. I don't remember a thing that we talked about, or even if we talked at all. I just remember thinking my dad was crazy for wanting to walk so much. But I didn't dare complain, because I had agreed to go which meant I agreed to go any distance. Just about the time we decided to turn and head back, we heard a faint sound of turkeys. It really was a beautiful sound, wild turkeys. We started to follow the sound and a few short minutes later we came upon the whole roost. I'll never forget that. It was stunning. It was dusk, and there on the side of a beautiful New Mexico mountain were TONS of wild Turkey's living their turkey lives coming in and out of the tiny creek and seemingly speaking to each other. Dad and I watched them for a while, amazed, before we headed home. About one mile from the house it started to snow. I'll never forget that walk, on that back road, going and going and going beside my dad, and finding the Turkey's humble abode.
The next morning, my two older sister's and I each received a James Avery promise ring from Dad with a hand written note to each of us. The last line of my note says, "And Erin, don't ever stop walking because you never know - you might find where the turkey's roost."

"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? It will make a way in the wilderness and river in the desert." Isaiah 43:18-19

Hello Ohio
The back roads
I know Ohio
Like the back of my hand
Alone Ohio
Where the river bends
And it's strange to see your story end
In my life I"ve seen a thousand dreams
Through the threshers all torn to pieces
And the land lay bare
Someone turned a profit there
And a good son lost his life in a strip pit
When the sun went down we would all leave town
And light our fires in Egypt Bottom
And the reservoir was just as good for Joni
'Cause we knew we would
Dream outloud in the night air
Holly said, Don't go inside the children's home
Mary said, Don't leave your man alone
Valerie was singin' to the radio
Ohio
It was summertime in '83
We were burnin' out at the rubber tree
Wonderin' what in the world
Would make all this worthwhile
And if I knew then I was older then
Would I see regret to the last mile
Hello Ohio
The back roads
I know Ohio
Like the back of my hand
Alone Ohio
Where the river bends
And it's strange to see your story end
How I hate to see your story end
It's so sad to see your story end

Catastrophe, It Reigns

2008-06-04T16:14:00.000-05:00

Time to get serious. My last few blogs have been WAY too moody. I can't tell you how many people said, "So...um, I read your last blog..." yeah yeah, I know. It was moody.

I've been wrestling with the Lord lately. I always find that the people I wrestle most with, emotionally that is - I don't actually wrestle - are the people I love most. I think it's because (And I alluded to this is my last blog) they see me in my most ridiculous behavior. They see me at my most raw, and they love me enough; they have chosen to love me enough to stick it out. And they love me enough to not let me get away with my ridiculous behavior. Christ is no different.

So I've been wrestling with Him over worry. It's no surprise: I am a worrier. I am a freak out, panic attacking, fretting little girl. And it is a huge sin issue (And let's just be clear: worry is sin. Matthew 6:25-34) in my life. I think it is something I will struggle with for my whole life. With the help of some precious saints consistently (and annoyingly) giving me godly counsel over the past couple of years, I have learned a WHOLE lot about the root of this issue. My worry - and it doesn't matter what it's about; I'm talking from the tiny like "what am I going to have for lunch?" to the average like "what if they don't like me?" to the huge things like, "What if the earth runs out of water?" (don't judge.) - my worry is a lack of trust in my God. This could be a whole other blog in itself, but my lack of trust in God, I believe, leads to a lack of obedience. My faith shrinks, my trust fails, and my obedience ceases to be obedience at all.

Here's my problem: I want to be obedient. So I've been wrestling with Him over my worry; trying to decipher what is legitimate concern, and what is foolishness. Trying to weed out the things that "easily hinder" (i.e. constantly running my yap) and growing the things in me that are delightful. God, is His great great grace and mercy has given me insight into some of the foolishness in my world. And THAT is what my point is...

Everything is a crisis. The economic crisis. The gas crisis. The water crisis. The Democratic Nomination crisis. The AIDS crisis. The global warming crisis. EVERYTHING is a crisis. We don't use, or hear, words like "bump" or "set back" or even "problem". Everything's gotta be a crisis. I am so tired of that word. You know what that word means? It means that we are all running around believing that our God doesn't know what to do with the price of gas, the rampant spread of disease, or how hot we all are. What a crock.

Crisis: an unstable situation of extreme danger or difficulty. I hate to break it to you, but there is nothing about my God that is UNstable (Isa. 33:6). He knows what he's doing with the cost of groceries and gas.

This one little word that I hear probably six times every single time I turn on the TV is a catalyst to my worry. Can you believe that foolishness? It's crazy. I think it's okay when we wrestle with God; growth is never easy, comfortable, and rarely fun. But growth is good.

That's all for now.
"and He will be the stability of your times, abundance of salvation, wisdom and knowledge' the fear of the Lord is Zion's treasure." Isa. 33:6

When you came to me with your bad dreams and your fears
It was easy to see that you'd been crying
Seems like everywhere you turn catastrophe it reigns
But who really profits from the dying
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you in my arms forever
When you kissed my lips
with my mouth so full of questions
It's my worried mind that you quiet
Place your hands on my face
Close my eyes and say
Love is a poor man's food
Don't prophesize
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever
And I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever
So now we see how it is
This fist begets the spear
Weapons of war
Symptoms of madness
Don't let your eyes refuse to see
Don't let your ears refuse to hear
Or you ain't never going to shake this sense of sadness
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold on forever
And I could hold you in my arms
I could hold on forever

I'm too busy waiting on me and you

2008-05-30T14:10:00.001-05:00

I turned 24 last week. The more I learn about myself (and there is a LOT to learn), the more I realize that I know nothing.

I have feelings of animosity toward people of influence (good and bad) in my life who have told me that I am "difficult" and hard to handle, and too much. No one likes to hear that about themselves. This week I've had the unfortunate experience of realizing that it's true. And I'm pretty sure that most girls are just like me, in that I spend a lot of time trying to be someone, or something I'm not. And I'm pretty good at it.

I can't keep my mouth shut. I over-analyze everything. I have alterior motives. I'm selfish. I'm excessively assertive. I'm jagged. I'm excessively passionate about the wrong things. I'm easily offended, easily hurt, and easily coerced. And I've been walking around thinking I was pretty self-aware and centered. Grounded and solid.
Not so much.

I don't really blame those who hesitate to invest in me. I'm a risky one. And for those who have and do invest in me (especially the like, 3 of you who have figured out exactly what you're investing in), I have an admiration and appreciation for you far beyond anything I ever thought possible. And there are a few of you who I desperately wish could understand me in that way.

I'm just learning this stuff. I'm just learning that I spend so much time trying to convince people to love me. I am just learning that I am rarely myself. I think it's because I don't know myself nearly as well as I think...or thought, that I do. And it's really heartbreaking to me for the couple of you who really think you're figuring me out - but the person you're figuring out is not who I am. It might be who I should be; but it's not who I am.

So I've been spending a lot of time trying to figure out why some of my relationships are not taking form the way I want them to. I've been spending a lot of time and energy trying to make them what I want them to be. And I'm just now realizing a few things.
1. It's not my job to make them what they are going to be.
2. They probably progressing at the rate it seems like they should because the person on the other end is trying to learn someone that is rising and falling constantly.

I don't know what to do about this problem, except just continue to try and figure out who I am. But to those of you that are constantly struggling with me: I do know that it's a problem. I'm workin on it, I promise. And first thing, I'm gonna stop waiting for things I shouldn't be waiting on.

It’s funny how some people dream
They put on a show just to be on the scene
I don’t know how many times
I’ve been right here and you still don’t see me
It may be wrong but tonight I’m gonna to see those city lights
Cause it sure as hell beats lying here wishing I was on your mind
Well tonight I’m walking and you start talking
'Bout what you said we’d never be
Oh and I’ve been worried
It’s the same old story
I never know if you’re gonna leave
I say it’s the last time
Just like I always do
So I’ll give you another chance
And I’ll lay it all on you
Well I caught myself out drifting cause sometimes I like just to be alone
Like a lonely gypsy with nothing to lose and no one to call my own
I know that there’s people watching just waiting for my next move
Oh but they can’t see that I’m too busy waiting on me and you
Well tonight I’m walking and you start talking
'Bout what you said we’d never be
Oh and I’ve been worried
It’s the same old story
I never know if you’re gonna leave
I say it’s the last time
Just like I always do
So I’ll give you another chance
And I’ll lay it all on you
Lay it all on you
Oh I’ll give you one more chance, and I’ll lay it all on you
Lay it all on you

You Are the One I Want

2008-05-13T20:54:00.000-05:00

I’ve been staring at the sky tonight
marveling and passing time
wondering what to do with daylight
until I can make you mine.
You are the one I want.
You are the one I want.
I’ve been thinking of changing my mind,
it never stays the same for long.
But of all the things I know for sure,
you’re the only certain one.
You are the one I want.
You are the one I want.
I’ve been counting up all my wrongs
one sorry for each star.
See I’d apologize my way to you
if the heavens stretched that far.
Cuz you are the one I want.
You are the one I want.
I won’t find what I am looking for
if I only see ‘bout keeping score.
Cuz I know now you are so much more than arithmetic.
Cuz If I add
if I subtract,
If I give it all
try to take some back
I’ve forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact

that you are the Son

so you are the One I want.
When the years are showing on my face
and my strongest days are gone.
When my heart and flesh depart this place
from a life that sung your song.
You’ll still be the one I want.
You’ll still be the One I want.
You’ll still be the One I want.
You’ll still be the One I want.

Help Me To Sing

2008-05-12T13:49:00.000-05:00

I don't know where to begin.

I don't know about the rest of you, but it seems like everywhere I look, catastrophe reigns. Catastrophic things are happening everywhere. And I have a problem with that.

I've never been one to believe that life will always be rainbows and sunshine - in fact, I've always been quite the opposite... we were never promised that life would be easy, and it's okay to have a bad day. I've always had a great disdain for those who get upset with me for having a bad day. But I want to say that I have had enough of the ruin. I can escape it most of the day, but when I finally get quiet at the end of the day... the darkness gets the best of me and I can not hide from it anymore.
There's just something about the dark. Maybe it's that I can't see the things that distract me during the day, I don't know, but I can't stand the dark.
I believe that there is a God, and that He is Sovereign over all things. That is to say: I believe that all things (and by "all things", I mean, ALL things.) have purpose - good things and bad things - have purpose to bring about God's will. I do not believe that God is surprised by the acts and calamities of man, nor do I believe that He responds to our self-absorption flippantly. So, I believe that everything in my life, from my two-month-premature lungs developing in an incubator, to my job, to my future - all of it, I believe God is in complete control over every detail.
Having said that, I have to confess that while I know that in my head - I rarely trust it in my heart. I worry with the best of them. And what is worry? Really, it's simply not trusting in my heart all those things I just said I believed about God.

I think most of you would agree that it is extremely difficult to look at the natural tragedies our earth has seen over the last oh, five years, and say with a chipper grin, "God is in control." We've seen tsunamis, hurricanes, cyclones, earthquakes, and tornadoes kill thousands and thousands of people. Does God not remain good in those trials? Is He not still the creator of the earth, and thus, dare I say, the creator of such tempestuous acts of the earth? If I truly believe that God is Sovereign over all things, I must believe that even in death, catastrophe, and calamity, His hand remains secure (...He's got the whole world, in His hands....He's got the whole world, in His hands...He's got the whole world...).

Easier said than done, I know.

I can't explain to you why I feel as lost as I do today. I can't point to reasons why. I don't know why I feel disconnected from those who love me, or why I struggle to see joy in the future, or why I feel inadequate in my core. But when I look around me, I see sad faces and weary souls who are in just as much need as I am. And I've got nothing to give.
I keep getting up every day praying, "THIS is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it." Hoping that I am able to follow through with it. I can't tell you the last time I could. I keep thinking "once today is over...", but the way I feel never changes. And the worst part about it, is I don't have any reasons.

My family, all thirteen of them, are alive and well and safe. My job, even though it absolutely does not feel like it, is secure and I can pay my bills. I don't have any looming ailments or illnesses. I have not lost a child or parent. I have not been robbed. I have not watched my home be blown away and scattered for miles. My concerns, my anxieties seem so petty in comparison with the things I seen the past few weeks in other peoples lives.
So why, exactly, am I unable to sleep at night?

I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out. I think it's because I know how gross my heart is, and I know that I deserve to be a lot worse off than I am. That's a terrifying thing to be alone with in the dark. And I spend a lot of time trying to figure things out...and I just have to stop doing that. Why is this happening? What does it mean?.... Who do I think I am, that I would be able to figure out those things far beyond my control?

A friend of mine is constantly living a mantra of "fake it 'til you make it." And I've found myself adopting that ideology lately. I hate that. I hate being fake - and I am really really good at it. But I am tired of being fake. I am tired of saying that I am doing what I don't do. I am tired of making my world believe that I have things together. I am tired of being told how intimidating I am. I hate that so much.

What I have doesn't seem like enough. I'm not sure I could ever be truly happy and satisfied with my life the way it is now. That might need to be worked out of me, or it might just be an indicator that I'm not exactly in the right spot.

So I don't know...I don't know how to fix anything, or where to go from here, really. I continue to weed out what's is overgrown and rooted, hoping my heart is not so hard that new life can't grow.

What if you could hear this song?

2008-05-04T21:41:00.000-05:00

Something is REALLY wrong with me.
The past week has undoubtedly been one of the most difficult I've had in a while. Today, even as my car sits crumpled in it's parking space, I laugh at all the things that I've walked through this last week. I'm not gonna lie - I'm a little afraid to get out of bed tomorrow (assuming I make it there in the first place...you know how I am).
Today, after such well... drama the last week I can NOT for the life of me shake what's in my head (and BOY, is it IN my head). I can not for the life of me shake the frustration and angst I'm feeling. I can't get "Let's Get It On" out of my head, for starters (perhaps I should take it off of the MO mix?), and every night this week as I've walked in my little apartment I've thought, "I shouldn't be coming home alone."
Are you kidding me?! THAT is what I am thinking right now? Yep. That's it. Something is really wrong with me.
I guess it makes sense: having to call on guy friends of mine for car help on the freeway (LOADS of fun), the loss of a dear family's husband and father, my sister's wedding, and the first wedding shower of a precious couple of my friends. Blissful companionship, in one form or another, is all around me. The thing is, I'm not really that fond of people these days. I've worked pretty hard at keeping my distance, and that's been by choice. I just need time to process these things. I know I'm not fun to be around right now... I get that. So why on earth have I spent several hours lately asking the Lord to bring me my one and only? WHO knows.
Here's what I think (WARNING: vulnerability about to be unleashed, read with caution): when I dig down deep, when I let my foolish pride fall away, all I want - in the deepest parts of me, all I want is to fall into safe arms and cry a little. I don't really have that right now. And that's okay. My dad has never been that type, and that's okay. My brother's not that type either and two of the three other men in my life that ARE that type; one of them is on the other side of the world, and the other, I don't know where he is on any given day, I can't even catch him at his house lately. The third...well, I just don't know about that yet.
Everything feels insecure. I know the Lord's getting my attention, I just can't figure out what for. Maybe it's that He's preparing me for something, and I'm okay with that. It's just that everything feels uncertain, and I just need to feel still and looked out for. Do I need that? I'm not sure. It feels like I need that, but I don't really trust the things I feel.
An old friend reminded me of a Truth I tend to be quick to forget: "Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, YET I WILL REJOICE IN THE LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deers; he makes me tread on high places." Habakkuk 3:17-19
I don't know why I don't have what I feel so sure that I need. I don't know why that need hasn't been met yet. But even if I don't have what I think I need to exist at my full capacity, I will rejoice.
I'll try, anyway.

What if you
Could wish me away
What if you
Spoke those words today

I wonder if you'd miss me
When I'm gone
It's come to this, release me
I'll leave before the dawn

But for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you

But when the sun
Hits your eyes
Through your window
There'll be nothing you can do

What if you
Could hear this song
What if I
Felt like I belong

I might not be leaving
Oh so soon
Began the night believing
I loved you in the moonlight

So, for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you

But when the sun
Hits your eyes
Through your window
There'll be nothing you can do

I could've treated you better
Better than this
Well, I'm gone, this song's your letter
Can't stay in one place

So, for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you

But when the sun
Hits your eyes
Through your window
There'll be nothing you can do

I Don't Know If I Can Do This Alone

2008-04-30T09:06:00.001-05:00

This week has been infamous. I'm wondering how on earth I haven't crumbled to pieces (even though right now, I feel a little in pieces), and trying to wrap my brain around devastating heartache. I don't know how I am sustained; only that I am. It just doesn't make sense that I am still standing on both feet. And yesterday, I would have said that there was no way I could handle something like this; that I couldn't take anything else on my plate.
Funny thing, that grace.
I've lost a lot, it feels like, the past few days - but my Dad is still at home if I want to go see him. And while I, and the ones I love the most are struggling (and in my personal case, quite UN-gracefully) in devastating heartache, I can't escape the feeling of gain that accompanies this feeling of loss.
I can't even begin to tell you the things I've learned through all of this. I've learned so much about myself, about what I want, what I DON'T want, and about the faithful, unexplainable, grace and peace of our God. I expect that for years to come I will still be telling on the goodness of the Lord through this dreadfully painful season of my life. I hope to tell my children (God-willing :)) these stories when one of them smashes their finger. And I hope to recount these things to my parents when I come to them on the arm of my one and only (again, God-willing).
"Winter will turn to spring, spring to summer, summer to fall, fall to winter. Families will rejoice with the birth of a new child. Mothers-to-be will mesmerizingly rub their swollen bellies as they feel the first few flutters of life within them...Lovers will enter into a lifelong covenant with each other, for better or worse. Fabulous food and heartfelt laughter will be shared around the dinner table...There is great joy and comfort in these things. Familiarity. Things going the way they should. Life following the expected course. There is nothing wrong with it. It is the experience of common grace. How gracious is the Father that He would let us enjoy such life?
And, how gracious is the Father that He would let us enjoy such loss?...
By His grace, it fosters within us steadfastness (James 1), genuineness of faith (1 Peter 1) and power (2 Corinthians 12). It also reminds us that there must be more than this (2 Corinthians 4 & 5).
Yes, there is mercy and grace in life going on...but there is also mercy and grace in life stopping for a bit. In a woman losing her 75-year-old husband after 49 years of marriage. In a woman losing her twentysomething husband after 3 years of marriage..."
Painful and scary as it is, the darkness is not without purpose. You can only see stars in the dark. You would never love the sunshine if it weren't for the clouds. I don't want my longing for the absence of heartache and pain to slay the appetite of my life today.
I hate feeling unstable. I hate feeling scattered, like I'm just floating. I hate feeling like I don't have a safe place to land at the end of the day. I might crumble to pieces. I might have a nervous breakdown. I might lose loved ones. I might sit up all night with precious friends who have lost loved ones. And I don't know what that will look like. I don't know how there will be provision of joy and peace and sleep-filled nights.
But I do know that God is good. He may not seem fair, or kind. He may seem terrifying. But He is always good.

I don't know if I can do this alone
Oh after all our sweet love is flown
I've been a running
I've been skipping like a stone
And I don't know if I
I can do this all alone
When I met her she was standing by a door
I ain't never seen a light like that before
Now she's left me for something more sure
And I don't know if I
I can do this anymore
'Cause lovers will come, lovers will go
This rare seed are from which true love might grow
If you see her, won't you please say hello
'Cause I don't know if I can do this alone